Guest Blog #2 - How to survive a Zombie Apocalypse: 10 rules that could save your life! by Tony Newton

Welcome to the second of the guest blog slots for 5D. This particular piece comes from Tony Newton, who is a writer and filmmaker from Essex in the UK and here deals with a subject close to my cold, cold heart - namely the Zombie apocalypse, or more specifically, how to survive it. It's a great read so check it out!

If you would like to be a guest blogger for me then you can contact me through my website at www.5d-blog.com.

How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse!

10 Rules that will save your life!

A zombie apocalypse is imminent you need to prepare now!

There will be a breakdown of infrastructure and civilization as we once new it will be gone.

When the zombie apocalypse strikes you will need to be in peak mental and physical condition.

Zombies the walking dead are a major threat, an outbreak of zombies/the infection will change the world as we know it.

Within a matter of minutes, hours or days, everything could be lost forever!

These ten rules may just save your life!

1. The only way to kill a zombie is to destroy the brain.

Remember this rule!

This rule you cannot get enough of, this is the only way to kill them by completely destroying the brain, until the brain is completely destroyed they will keep coming for you, Don’t waste time and energy attacking any other body part of the zombie just aim for the brain.

 2. This is not a horror movie.

Don’t let your mind run wild and think of zombie movies you have seen in the past these are far from the supernatural ghouls on TV, the enemy you will be facing are not weak creatures, they are flesh-eating monsters that will stop at nothing to devour your flesh and eat you alive.

3. Make a bug out bag.

Buy a strong durable bag, preferable a back pack that is big enough to fit all your needed belongings in, the bug out bag is the most important thing you will need in the zombie apocalypse because your bug out bag will include a weapon, food, drink and a small first aid kit and shelter.

4. Board up windows inside and out.

Secure your base and board up the windows, don’t just do it on the inside, make sure it’s safe before you tackle the outside. You will need to board up windows from the outside too this is a mistake a lot of people make but if you just board up the inside then zombies and looters can push their way through, if the boarding is on the outside as well you have a much safer base all round.

5. Be alert!

Zombies won’t sleep, they will be coming for you day and night constantly craving flesh to feast on. Be alert 24/7, sleep in shifts where possible with a group member on guard duty at all times.

6. Ditch transport.

Roads will be blocked and covered with vehicles and dead bodies, it’s not safe to evacuate to a safe zone by car, you will be drawing attention to yourself in a vehicle. Do not attempt to try to travel on public transport everyman and his dog will be trying to get out of town this way a pushbike is the safest as it’s quiet but you will have no protection so always be on the lookout for danger.

7. Don’t give mouth to mouth resuscitation.

Do not give mouth to mouth resuscitation in the zombie apocalypse, as the spread of infection through saliva could occur, avoid this at all costs and instead pump hard in 3’s onto the breastplate of the patient.

8. Learn to apply a tourniquet.

The tourniquet is something very useful in cases of bleeding wounds or amputation of limbs, thus constricting the blood flow and controlling the bleed/loss of blood. This will help clotting which the body will do naturally, a bandage can be used or torn clothing tied tightly making sure the pressure remains from the tourniquet and that it will not get knocked or moved.

9. Set your mobile to silent.

In the early stages of the zombie apocalypse phones will most probably be working, you don’t want to be creeping around the undead and then your mobile phone goes off alerting others to your location.

10. The three 3’s.

Think 3

You can approximately last 3 minutes without air, 3 days without water and up to 3 weeks without food. Remember the three 3’s and use them as a guideline.

You are a survivor!

YOU WILL SURVIVE!

#ZombieApocalypseSurvivor

Tony Newton is the author of "The Zombie Rule Book: A Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide" and the upcoming title "#I'm Zombie: A Zombie Mosaic Novel" the creator and producer of the upcoming zombie mosaic film "Virus of the Dead". He loves all things horror, obsessed by zombies and collects old school VHS tapes just for fun.

"The Zombie Rule Book: A Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide" is out now and available from Cosmic Egg Books.

#I'm Zombie: A Zombie Mosaic Novel is a zombie book featuring  mosaic accounts from the day the zombie apocalypse strikes the globe, the book see's the horror unfound through an online forum to found notes from doctors and survivors!

"#I'm Zombie: A Zombie Mosaic Novel" will be released on May 27, 2016available from Cosmic Egg Books.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Im-Zombie-Mosaic-Novel/dp/178535096X/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1459818013&sr=1-4&keywords=i%27m+zombie

Twitter @TonyNewton1

Instagram TONYNEWTON1

Interview with acting legend, Vernon Wells.

Ever since I began this blogging & website malarkey a few years ago, the opportunity that it's provided for me to meet so many like-minded individuals has been truly wonderful. However few things in that time have been as thrilling as the chance this week to talk to an actor, who has not only appeared in a staggering list of genuinely iconic movies, but a good few of those films happen to be on this here bloggers own personal all-time favourite list. Let me list you just a few that the man in question, Vernon Wells has appeared in: Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior, Commando, Weird Science, InnerSpace & Fortress. Not a bad body of work, eh?

Well, over the last year or so I've been privileged to be able to get to know an up and coming Australian filmmaker, Travis Bain, after reviewing his excellent Aussie Sasquatch film Throwback. This then progressed through watching the progress of the plans for his next major projects, an intriguing Scifi feature film, Starspawn as well as the current crowdfunding campaign for his Psychological thriller, Landfall - the Indiegogo page for which you can find RIGHT HERE.  

I have to be honest (for once in my life), when Travis first contacted me back in the deep dark mists of time to ask whether I'd be interested in reviewing Throwback, the one single fact that enticed me to say yes was that the legendary Vernon Wells was also appearing in it. Now you all know me by now, because never one to miss out on an opportunity to indulge my need for superficial self-indulgence I began to pester Travis for an interview with Vernon. Of course I convinced myself that I was doing this for the good of the 5D Website, but of course that would be partly true, for the chance to talk to the guy that played of of my all-time favourite iconic film characters (Wez, from Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior) was just too good to miss. Yes, as always it's mostly about me.

So when Travis told me a little while ago that filming was about to begin on his Starspawn appetiser, Starspawn: Overture and then asked whether I wanted to have a telephone chat with the redoubtable Mr Wells, well I was about as excitable as this blogger can get (and that's pretty damned excitable). I decided though not to appear to be too overly keen and embarrass myself by eagerly agreeing straight away and act like a star-struck fan (which of course I am). So being the professional (stop laughing there at the back) that I am I decided to wait an appropriately polite length of time before saying yes....... which worked at out at about one nano second later. When I said I have professional standards, I didn't say they were lofty ones.

Well, on a cold and wet Scottish morning last week I was incredibly lucky to spend nearly half an hour talking to Vernon in between shot set-ups. I would like to sincerely thank Travis Bain for arranging this and coping with the technological mobile phone issues we initially had during the call. I would also like to thank Vernon for his time and putting up with some of my inane questions and all too regular interruptions. Thankfully, I think I managed to keep the 'Tell me just how fab you are?' questions to a relative minimum.

THE INTERVIEW BIT...........

5D) Hi Vernon, man I appreciate you taking a few minutes out as I know you're busy. 

VW) My pleasure mate.

5D) How's things going, how's things going with the filming of Starspawn?

VW) Great, great! It's been a lot of fun. I enjoy all of this because, well, this is what it's all about, making independent films and having a lot of fun.

5D) Is it very different making an independent film like this, in terms of how you personally approach the project or is it pretty much the same process?

(VW) It's all the same process. Strangely enough I find that independent films put a lot more work into their prep and into their actual set up into everything that they do because they don't have the luxury of the budget to be able to shoot it 27 times. They have to get it done, you know, the first time or the second time so you find that there is a lot more that goes into the preparation and and everything for those things. Of course there is still a lot of prep for the big ones but then they have that luxury of doing the same shot so many times.

5D) Do you find that you personally have much more invested in an indie film?

VW) Ah, no it's like any film, I give the same, erm, amount of effort no matter what it is but sometimes there are projects that you feel even more for. This is one of those projects, as was another that I did with Travis, Throwback, and there are a load of small films that I've done which have been very attached to the project.

5D) Yeah I saw Throwback some time ago after I was lucky enough to be sent a preview of the film by Travis - it was excellent, I really enjoyed it.

(Note: Readers can see the article I wrote on Throwback RIGHT HERE).

What can you tell us about this role that you have in Starspawn?

VW) Erm, yeah, he's a father who has a 17 year old daughter. He's a bit of a crabby father and his wife has died of cancer recently. So he's a little at a loss how to react to his daughter who being 17 years old of course she has those hormones (laughs) and everything  for a 17 year old and just wants to get the heck out of Dodge (laughs). So he's sort of trying to cope until it comes to him having some other worldly experience, which terrifies him and suddenly he becomes very protective of his daughter because suddenly he finds that she's in danger and so he tries desperately, without telling her what's going on, to protect her. This is all brought about by the other people in the film and so he suddenly has four or five people encroach upon him, and get drawn into the middle of this things and he then has to try and protect all of them. He goes from being a grouchy old man to the one who becomes the protector.

5D) I'm conscious of the time we have as you're in between takes at the moment. Can I ask you about a certain few films that I'm sure that you're constantly asked about? (Laughs).

VW) 'Course you can. We've got plenty of time, they haven't even began setting up yet.


5D) (Laughs) - Oh that's cool. Do you ever get fed up of answering questions about the handful of genuine iconic films, Mad Max, InnerSpace, Commando, Weird Science, Fortress etc?

VW) You know, the strange thing is that at one stage I used to, in that people wouldn't look at the other work that I was doing and they were always harking back to Mad Max or Commando or Weird Science  or InnerSpace (laughs). Erm, all of these films you know and I just found it annoying, but then I came to the realisation like I think we all do is that those films are my legacy and who I am - you know?


5D) Yeah, the thing is I mean that you were kind of the movie soundtrack to many of us growing up and there are some iconic films which you should rightly be proud of them.

VW) Oh yeah, I really am. I'm extraordinarily proud of them and actually what it was more than anything was that it was so difficult to accept that I had done things that were so part of our cultural heritage. Erm, you know the thing of it now is I still have a problem accepting it when people come up to me saying 'you've been in some of the greatest films through the years....you've done this, you've done that!" (Laughs). I feel that just a little bit off-putting because that all I am is an actor and I've been very blessed in my career but when it all boils down to it I'm only as good as the director, the writer, the crew and the other actors that work around me. You know, I can't say "I'm brilliant!" It's all the circumstances around it to make it.

5D) It's funny that you should say that you're only as good as the director because in Mad Max 2 you worked with the great George Miller. How did the iconic character of Wez evolve, was it it from the director, the writing, yourself?

VW) Erm, well Wez was kind of a written piece that George had, erm, and he wasn't as big as what he eventually became. Erm, he was, he became something that was different. George and I worked on the character, but George always says that the character was me that I developed, that I put the emphasis on things. Personally I think George took somebody who had never done a film before and made them realise what they could do as an actor. Something for which I'm forever grateful for. But regardless of that I think that Wez turned out to be one helluva of a character and one helluva of an acting job.


5D) Yeah. Personally I think the character stole the whole film.....

VW) Shhhhhhhhhh - you're not allowed to say that! (Laughs).


5D) (Laughs) - What did you think of the reboot, the remake of Mad Max?

VW) Fury Road?


5D) Yeah.

VW) I thought Fury Road was George Miller to a T. I mean George is wonderful at the road movie, his set ups are brilliant, the equipment that he has, the trucks, the things that he does, the visual styling that he does and everything. Anybody that is working today should look at him as just amazing, erm, and I also think that it was interesting to watch Charlize Theron in the role just walk all over everybody else in the film! (Laughs).


5D) Well this is the thing isn't it that it's not really about 'Mad Max'. It's actually her character and her character's back story....the Max character is actually a supporting character if nothing else, which I found really interesting.

VW) Yes! I mean, I don't know whether that was intentional or whether she's just such a strong presence and such a strong actress and that is what was going to happen. But, erm, regardless, I mean it's still an amazing film, one of those films that you will remember for a long, long time.

Personally I think that Road Warrior was the best of the series (Laughs)

5D) (Laughs) I agree.

VW) The story in Road Warrior all came together, you know. It had a beginning, a middle and end and you knew where everybody went, and what everything was, and you invested in the characters. I believe that made it the stronger of all those Mad Max films, but that's me because I was in that one! (Laughs)


5D) (Laughs) Well I mean, I'm not just saying this because I'm talking to you now, but I would totally agree and thought Road Warrior was certainly the strongest of the three.
Of all the films that you've done, what's your actual favourite?

VW) You know, the funny things is I'm proud of everything I do regardless of whether it's a big film, little film, studio film or indie film. It really doesn't matter to me because I'm gonna do it because I've gotta have a reason to do it so I'm always proud of whatever I do.

But when it comes to considering what films are my better films, well you always have to say  Mad Max, Commando and all that. Though truly I have a couple of films shortly coming out at the moment which I consider 100 times more about who I am now; One is called The Inquisitor which is coming out later this year and another which is called The Lighthouse Keeper which is a wonderful horror film.


5D) Are those both independent films?

VW) Yep, those are independent films. And then I think also that Landfall, which is the next one that I'm doing with Travis, is going to be a knockout film, I think it's going to be great. I mean the one thing I would ask from you is that you help us push that because we do have the (crowdfunding) site up and it would be really nice with all of us pushing together and I just think its gonna be a great film.

You know I've had this little thing going where I've said that I've put a little money into it and if I can do that then all the people who keep writing in to me on my website saying "Hey man we love what you do.......we love who you are" - well OK, now's your chance to put your mouth where your money is and your money where your mouth is, stop saying how much you like me and bloody do something! (Laughs)...... Sorry, that's that Australian thing, you know! (Laughs).


5D) (Laughs) - Well I'll quote you on that mate when I write this up and quote that as the tag line for the whole piece - "Put your mouth where your money is and your money where your mouth is, stop saying how much you like me and bloody do something!" (Laughs).

VW) You know, I just enjoy what I do. I feel terribly blessed to be who I am, where I am in my life and career. I've had an amazing career, I've done well over 170 films and you know, people just dream of getting there and I've been there and done it and it still feels so amazing!

Yep, that's Vernon waiting to talk to me.

5D) Yeah, I think it's great after this time you can keep work and do something that you love more than for the pay check that comes with it.

VW) Well my thing is that the minute I do start doing just for the pay check then I'll quit because you know that this is a business that you do because you have fun. This job is like the greatest playground in the world (Laughs) you get in there and you get to play with all this stuff and it's so much fun to do. I don't think people understand how great it is and the minute that goes away then it's just a job and do you know what? I don't want this as a job I want it as something that I enjoy.


5D) Obviously your in Australia at the moment - do you still work around the world or do you prefer to work closer to home these days?

VW) I was actually in the UK two weeks ago doing a couple of conventions and I love going to the UK, I love working wherever they take me because I just enjoy the whole process. When I leave here on Sunday I'll fly home then I think a week and a half later I start filming again in Los Angeles then I think two weeks after that I'm filming up in Lake Tahoe. Then there's I believe another film when I come back here, er, that's to do Landfall. So, you know while it still happens I'm going to enjoy it and keep doing it and then when it stops I'll say I had a great time and I've got nothing to be ashamed of! (Laughs).


5D) Yesterday I put on Facebook that I was a little excited about talking to you and you would not believe the number of comments I received ......." Oh tell him Commando is the greatest film ever!...... mention Mad Max!!" (Laughs). You've got a huge fanbase out there.

VW) Believe me, you know what, as I like to tell the people when I do the conventions I am blessed in what I do and because people like what I do I continue to do it, and I never ever take that for granted and I never take the fact that I have all these fans for granted. I think the one thing that we always have to do is be aware of is that the people that like what we do are the people that continue to keep us in business, and the minute you forget that that's the time you're out of business. Because people then begin to say "Oh he's an arsehole" (Laughs).

I love the fact that people like me and I always find a kind of a little bit disarming (Laughs) and so (Laughs) vocal about who I am..... I'm always like "Crap, aww gee er........" and I do get a little embarrassed by it (Laughs).


5D) Well you know, we have a convention very near here in Aberdeen in Scotland (Granite City Comic Con) every April, I'm sure they'd love to have you over here as a guest.

VW) I'd love to do it, it would be fun!


5D) And I'd buy you a beer!

VW) You got me! (Laughs). The whole thing is if I do come over there of course my wife will wanna come with me because she's madly in love with the Bay City Rollers and Scotland as a place!

5D) Can I quickly ask you about my favourite film of yours, InnerSpace - what are your memories of that film?

VW) .......er sorry, what was that?....... Oh InnerSpace! Sorry, someone was just walking past me and slapped me on the butt! (Laughs). Erm, oh I loved InnerSpace. The funny thing is that, er, Steven Spielberg actually put me in it because he loved the role I did in Road Warrior and then he proceed to take all my tools as an actor off me, my voice, my eyes and my hands! And then he said "Now act!" (Laughs).... which was kind of scary.

But I loved it because I was working with Joe Dante who was like this bloody big kid! (Laughs) so I had so much fun with him and doing the movie and I enjoyed it immensely - it was one of those films where you just got to go out and have fun everyday!  That's what it was.


5D) Yeah, it's just a pure fun film - funnily enough I watched it again just a couple of weeks ago and it still stands up pretty well. Do you watch yourself on film, can you watch yourself?

VW) I actually try not to very much (Laughs) because I have the tendency to criticise myself. Me watching myself own film is listening to me go..... "Are you kidding me??!!...... "You've gotta be kidding me!" (Laughs)........ "God, they let me do that!...... I am so critical of what I do and I don't look at it as a whole piece but just simply as what I'm doing. So even though the part may fit into what was happening in the film I'm sitting there criticising the hell out of the way I look, or the way I put my hand or something.

I think that all actors are the same, we're never satisfied with what we do, we're always nitpicking and trying to be better. Acting's a very organic process, it's taking the things that you find around you and the things that become part of your life and who you are. It's this organic thing that happens, that grows all the time. Actings not a thing where you say "Hey I'm an actor" it just doesn't happen like that, it keeps evolving, getting either bigger or smaller or better or worse - and that's what I think I like about it the most in that it still takes me places where I haven't been before.

Throwback 

5D) Yeah, I've been lucky to speak to a number of actors through doing the website and blog and it's amazing how many say the same thing in that they find it difficult to watch themselves.

VW) Yep, most definitely.


5D) Listen, Vernon - I've taken up far too much of your time. I do appreciate this. Can I wish you the best of luck with Starspawn and Landfall and say that if you look me up I'll definitely buy you that beer!

VW) Hey, I would be more than happy to take you up on that offer! It's been a pleasure talking to you and thank you for taking the time in talking to me.


5D Well it's been a thrill for me, I've been a fan of your for many years.

VW) Thanks, mate and I'll talk to you soon.



So there you have it........ a thoroughly enjoyable conversation it was too. I hope that the warmth, passion and humour comes across from Vernon, he genuinely had me in stitches with the delivery of his stories. I would like to repeat my thanks both to him and to Travis Bain in taking the time and effort to arrange the phone call.

Oh, and one more thing, remember - in regard to the Landfall Indiegogo campaign, as Vernon said ........ "Put your mouth where your money is and your money where your mouth is, stop saying how much you like me and bloody do something!"

Vernon & Travis Bain (centre right) 

You can read much more about Vernon at his official website at http://vernongwells.com

The Indiegogo page for Landfall can be found at https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/landfall-a-feature-film-thriller-by-travis-bain#/

This article can also be found via the 5D website www.5d-blog.com. There you can find a veritable feast of blog articles, news items, pictures and and other mouth-watering salutations to the gods of the geeks and the nerds. We have now inherited the earth, you know.

There is also a newly launched forum on the website designed for ANYONE involved or interested in the Independent film industry related to genres of Sci-Fi, fantasy and horror. Feel free to register and contribute - Everyone is welcome!

In addition the 5D website now has PayPal Donate button. Any donations kindly made will be fed directly back to help with a podcast materials, competition prizes and other general costs etc. If you wish to contribute to the exciting growth of the website & blog then we here at 5D headquarters would be eternally grateful. If you would like your contribution to be acknowledged publicly then simply send a message via the website’s contact section and we’ll send you some love!

If all that was enough to entice to 5D land, should any of you fine people out there wish to advertise on the 5D website then have a look at the offer below.

What would you do in a Zombie apocalypse?

Last night I had the most intense of dreams, the likes of which I haven't had for quite some time. To be frank, I blame the fact that this week was also the week of the season finale of The Walking Dead, though in truth the dream was frightening not just because of the Zombies, Negan et al - no it was also frightening for another reason. 

The dream began with myself and a couple of others in a Spaceship (of course it did) as we slowly descended back to Earth. The ship resembled on of those old school Flash Gordon type depictions of a space capsule, inside it was all metallic silver and contained hundreds of flashing lights - none of which actually seemed to serve a purpose. I can't remember who the others were with me in the dream, but as events transpired that doesn't really matter as they didn't 'stay around too long'. As the ship descended it became clear that we were over some small town and we were about to land in one of the main streets - the problem was that there were hundreds of Zombies all over the bloody place!

Naturally, as it was my dream, I immediately took charge and grabbed my pump-action shotgun (I wonder what Sigmund Freud would say that symbology?) and told the others that as soon as we landed we would have to fight our way through the hoards in order to reach my house where we would have access to any number of tasty weapons to help us devise a safety plan.

And so fight our way through the Zombie hoard we did. Well, I did, because my fellow humans quickly became Zombie fodder as I heroically and skilfully dispatched one creature after another as I made the way to my house. Believe me, I don't usually have such intense, frightening and exciting dreams, but up to this point this one was a doozy! 

I knew that as soon as I got to my house I would be safe - but then disaster! The door to my house was already open and it was completely bare! I turned around in the hallway, empty shotgun in my hand (shut up, Sigmund!) to face the Zombie hoard with nothing else to use to save me.........and there the dream ended.

One day I'll be as cool as these two.... but not today.

I don't know about you, but there was a time when I was getting a little impatient for the Zombie apocalypse to start. It's all the fault of The Walking Dead, and not just the TV programme. I discovered the Graphic novels a couple of years after they first appeared back in the dim and distant days of 2003. Yes, yes I know......once again I was quite ineptly behind the times, which certainly wasn't the first or last time that I would be. To be precise it was the summer of 2006 in which I first discovered the stunning artwork and storytelling that depicted a world where an unknown apocalyptic event has transformed the majority of the human population into slobbering, rotting flesh-eating zombies.

You have to remember, that this was a time when the contemporary horror scene was yet to find itself surrounded by a collection of shiny sparkling vampires, shuffling lumbering zombies or towns full of impossibly good-looking people in search of blood that is true. No, in those far more innocent times the comic book adventures of Kentucky Deputy sheriff Rick Grimes, a man who is wounded in his police role and emerges from a short coma to see his world now infested with undead, was for me a hugely enjoyable trip into gory zombie fantasy land. This story of Rick, his family and small group of fellow survivor who spend each day trying to adapt and simply survive in this crazy new world, was simply intoxicating. As you can tell, the effect that it's had on me may not be entirely healthy.

So when the apocalypse finally comes here in Scotland, It isn't that I want to see the near total decimation of the human race happen - though there are a good few number of people on my personal dislike list who I sincerely hope get their come-uppance by getting their face eaten off by a zombie..... very slowly and very painfully. 

No, it's simply that once the inevitable apocalypse does happen, I've always been pretty sure that not only will I survive it but I would also no doubt be taking a leading role in gathering the remnants of humanity together. Yes indeed, though I could never quite decide if I would be the charismatic and forceful leader who pulls a ragtag collection of individuals together with his ingenuity and forceful character (not to mention rugged good looks), or whether I might be the distant yet charismatic loner that helps bind the group together with his sense of purpose and charm (and rugged good looks).

I want one of these outside my house....

The one thing that was certain in my fevered little mind is that I would be suitably heroic. It was inevitable.

However, nowadays I'm not so sure that that would be the case and in part it's the dream that finally confirmed it. No I wouldn't be the hero leading his group to safety (or in the TWD season finale, to a battering from Lucille). In truth I think that I would be that lonesome figure (probably on his sweet way to becoming as mad as a box of Frogs), holed up in his house with food, water and enough stuff in my house to satisfy any sort of Zombie apocalypse security plan

So the morning after the dream I began thinking of how best I would I manage if it all actually happened today and I had to defend my home from the Zombies  - well it keeps me off the streets if nothings else. So hopefully without falling into the trap of producing a Macauley Culkin Home Alone scenario, here's some of the things my feverish little mind came up with......

The first thing I wondered was whether, seeing as though I don't have a fire engine with usable water hose outside my house, my current security alarm would provide a suitable first line of defence. Now before the local burglars in my area start thinking that my alarm system is in need of replacement, it isn't. I had it checked over by professionals some time ago and they concluded that it was perfect for burglar and general safety protection. However they seemed reluctant for some reason to confirm whether my security system was any use in protecting me from zombie home invasion - apparently the zombie apocalypse is not covered in the paperwork agreement. Who knew?

So I immediately decided on two possible plans of action. My first task was to see whether an upgrade to my home security system was an option, however I soon became bored of working through the number of online options. The best seemed to be a site called Simplisafe.com which has an package option that even includes some professional type people coming to your home when required.

Last minute security plan - Living room defence

It all looked great, but I decided for now to go with the second plan of action; namely to think about hiding myself away with just the things that I currently have lying about my house. It is these that I would use to heroically defend myself and my loved ones from those dastardly flesh eaters.

There is however just one small problem with this second option, I'm just not very good at that self sufficient stuff. Robinson Crusoe, Castaway - two stories where a stranded individual builds all sorts of life-saving contraptions using little more than a few stick and stone tools to leave him almost entirely self sufficient. No not me, I'd probably be dead within a week, either from starvation after eating the wrong type of fruit or after my very badly built treehouse had collapsed on its first night to break my neck.

Thankfully the area of Scotland where I live is known for it's Granite stone, in fact I live 45 miles north of 'The Granite City', otherwise known as Aberdeen. As a consequence my house, being an old house made of granite is as solid as a, er, rock. I'm pretty sure that if you had told the early house builders that when they decided to use granite as a building source a handy side effect was that it would also be well on the way to being Zombie proof, well frankly they would have looked at you with a blank stare. Well, OK, so it may not be 100% zombie proof, but at least it would give me a chance to put into action my 5-step security plan to survive the apocalypse.

Step 1 - Credit card to buy stuff

After years of studying zombie apocalypse law it seems clear to me that in the event of a full on type outbreak of Zombieism society would have maybe a week before everything we know and love collapsed. You know, general law & order, the emergency services, the Internet & Burger King would soon disappear into a chasm of social panic. All that would be left would be having to make life of death decisions such as choosing whose group of insane psychopathic human survivors you were going to take up with.

Well not for me matey, because as I mentioned I would be taking refuge in my home and never ever leaving. So, I reckon I have a week before all goes to crap, not just because it's the estimated length of time before the fabric of society begins to crumble but also it's about how long I anticipate that my house would hold out against the Zombies. So how would I best use this time? Well my cunning plan would be to credit the crap out of my credit card and buy as much stuff from those well known online stores, Simplisafe security systems, weapons, food etc etc etc - after all, there's apparently nothing but nothing these days that you can't buy online.

I know that not all of it would get through -  for a start the poor postman may struggle against the increasing zombie hoards.... but in a few days I reckon I could order enough provisions to fill my three upstairs rooms. It's not as if I would have to worry about not being able to pay off my card bill. Genius.

Last minute security plan - Kitchen defence

Step 2 -  Defend the living room

A week has gone by, the granite walls and thick wooden door have held steady for a while, but now the pesky zombies are inside. Once again I have to rely on my knowledge of zombie lore. The way to be sure of despatching one back to the grave is to give them something big, sharp or heavy to the brain. Luckily I have a cunning plan here too because, not only is my house old, so too is the heating system - in other words I have a coal fire heater. It's all so straightforward ......heat the fire up........stick some of this coal handling appliances in the fire........ and when they're hot enough take the red hot fire appliances (wearing protective gloves of course) and poke the hell out of zombie heads!

This should keep me going for a day or so, especially as I'm an avid reader and so have enough books in the room the heat that baby up good and proper!

Step 3 - Defend the kitchen

Naturally the protection of the first room wouldn't last forever....so the next line of defence is the kitchen - or as I like to call it, the zombie death room. Honestly, if the health and safety brigade were to some day bring in legislation to guard against unsafe implements then our kitchens would be practically empty! I'm sure that I'm not alone, but in mine I have knives of all sizes and sharpness, forks, fruit veg peelers, cheese graters, blow torch (to caramelise), meat cleaver, corkscrews, lobster cracker, egg slicer, meat grinder, nutcracker, food blender......to name but just a few.

Seriously, it's enough to fill any killer's pleasure kill room and there's more than enough in there to make sure the flesh eating intruders get a good thorough bashing to the head.

Step 4 - Lure them to the garden shed

In a month or so I will have lived in my home for exactly 10 years. The one thing that still hasn't changed from when I moved in is the design of my garden. The chap who lived here before me built a nice narrow long garden with pretty flower beds bordering a very narrow path all the way down to the bottom...... in other words, a perfect zombie killing area!! Once again, like the kitchen, the common all garden has enough implements of death to satisfy all levels of bloodthirsty endeavour......spades, hammers, pitchforks, axes......... and more!

Last minute security plan - Garden defence

It's simple, lure the zombies along the kill path, bash their brains in with my variety of garden tools until we get to the bottom of the garden and eventually to the shed. "Why the shed?" - I hear you ask....... because in the shed is the daddy of all zombie defence weapons - my trusty chainsaw!! The buggers will have no chance. The only fly in that particular ointment is my inept accident prone ability to hurt myself when I'm just doing ordinary zombie free gardening. It's debatable what would go first, the head of a zombie or  a hand of mine.

Step 5 - Go back in the house, hide upstairs.

After that, surviving the apocalypse gets even easier as I wait things out for a few years on my own and go steadily as mad as a box of frogs until the likes of Rick and Daryl have sorted out the mess.

It's almost too easy.......

This article can also be found via the 5D website www.5d-blog.com. There you can find a veritable feast of blog articles, news items, pictures and other mouth-watering salutations to the gods of the geeks and the nerds. We have now inherited the earth you know.

Portrait Of The Inner Mind

Way, way, way back in the deep dark days of 2013 I put together an article concerning a short independent film from Finland that quite frankly blew my mind. Ordinarily, I would now point you in the way of that article, however after reading it again myself I quickly thought the better of it. The fact is that it's not an especially well written example of my attempts at scribbling a few 5D thoughts - hmmm, I know what you're thinking, you are about to comment on the fact that three years later my attempts are still on the lame side of 'please don't give up the day job'...... well you may have a point, but I have definitely improved over the years - from outright abysmal all the way to barely mediocre, I'll settle for that.

So to save you from scrolling through the 5D archives, I'll do the work for you. The film in question was called Behind The Cross and tells the story of Father Michael, who when we join him in the movie, is already well down the road on his personal journey into the depths of insanity. To say that he is having a crisis of faith would be something of an under-statement.

It seems that a life that has been somewhat disturbed (courtesy of some horrifying flashback episodes to his childhood) has now manifested itself beyond simple spiritual breakdown and become the absolute definition of atrocity and horror. Father Michael's monstrous acts of violence and murderous depravity mirror his continuing ability to find a remaining link to his faith in the hope that god will still absolve him from the terrible sins he is committing.

So we have themes in this movie of sex, torture, insanity and religion. So no one to upset there then? Still not offended? Well if that wasn't enough, we also have scenes of a priest masturbating in his car, masturbating also to a shop mannequin and then urinating over his still sleeping gimp - Jolly good. Behind the Cross was a truly interesting film about the connection between the murderous mind of a madman and his religious existence. The film is rich in the symbolism of his faith and how it interacts with the priest's descent into insanity - this truly is a voyage into the ocean depths of a madman.

The film came courtesy of Finland's Tomi Kerminen, who under the auspices of his company has a clear aim, for MACABRE MEDIA's mission is to create, produce and give thrilling, scary, strange and of course a bit evil independent entertainment for all the horror lovers out there!

Tomi has described to me the style of his film as experimental, aggressive and even avant-garde. This can also be said in part for his latest offering Portrait Of The Inner Mind. 

He is not wrong.

Tomi told me earlier in the week that he is currently working his next 'longer short' film and in the meantime wondered whether I'd be interested in sharing my thoughts on a two minute film he made a little while ago. My instant reply was in the affirmative, however I soon began to wonder just how one reviews a film that barely lasts longer than my average romantic liaison? Hmmm, it's a tricky one.

Well let's start with the (very brief) synopsis:

" On average we have three to five dreams a night.

Most are quickly forgotten. But sometimes the dream is different... deeper.

It purifies you and soon you're hungry for more."

Portrait Of The Inner Mind is essentially a sequence of dreamlike images accompanied by a impassioned narrative from Bill Rogers which results in a piece of work that combines numerous interesting experimental elements of horror and art house.

There is something of a poetic quality to the film, which in truth should actually be no surprise as Tomi told me afterwards that the films origins lie in the desire to produce a short movie from a poem or a piece of writing by somebody. So instead of basing the film on anothers work he simply decided to write the thing himself and then shot the film in the Basque Country (northern Spain) - as you do.

If this film is taking us on a journey into the dreamlike state of Tomi's unconscious - well let's just say that there is a lot of deep dark stuff lurking down there! Because for a film that lasts just less than two minutes the viewer is constantly left guessing as to what the next visceral image will be and what the next philosophical question will follow from the narrative. Whether this is an attempt by the filmmaker to explore some interesting philosophical musings or whether this is simply a form of therapy for Tomi isn't clear. The one thing that is certain is the the dreamworld here offered by Tomi Kerminen is both enticing and fascinating.

Did I enjoy it? Yes I did. Did I completely understand it? No I didn't. However that's ok because for me true art asks its audience questions that may never produce a clear and concise answer. 

Have a look at the teaser trailer at the link RIGHT HERE to see for yourself.

The Facebook page for Mr Macabre can be found RIGHT HERE

You can also find out more information about Mr Macabre, Portrait Of The Inner Mind & Behind The Cross at the Macabre Media website RIGHT HERE

This article can also be found via the 5D website www.5d-blog.com. There you can find a veritable feast of blog articles, news items, pictures and other mouth-watering salutations to the gods of the geeks and the nerds. We have now inherited the earth, you know.