Celebrity Chef Zombie Apocalypse by Jack Strange

My holiday reading - courtesy of Mr Strange

When I was asked by author Jack Strange to review his novel I was at first a little reluctant to do so due to of my lack of knowledge, and more importantly, lack of love, of his book's subject matter. No, I'm not talking about zombies obviously, as I and the rest of humanity have been overflowing with the escapades of the annoying little undead buggers for the last few years, and quite frankly it's not a public obsession that seems like abating in the near future either. Not that I'm necessarily complaining mind you, as anyone who knows me and my own particular obsession with The Walking Dead for example.

No, the lack of knowledge that I speak of relates to the subject of 'celebrities', 'chefs' and especially 'celebrity chefs'. The thing is that I have to be careful here, because there are some things that will automatically ramp up my 'rant-meter' to the point of ranting on a near-olympic gold medal rant level. I think you may catch what I mean. Believe me, you really don't want to get me started on how much I despise (and frankly don't understand) the contemporary obsession with all things reality TV and celebrity related, ahem, entertainment. I know I may well be in a minority if national obsessions like the Great British bake a cake off thingy are anything to go by. But watching people on a television, whether they be those, ahem, wonderfully warm and non-egotistical chefs, or the, er, equally wonderful members of the public who are on a "magical journey to explore their passion" whilst at the same time supporting their poor blind quadriplegic mother  - well, I would rather be doing something else...... anything else.

See what I mean? Apologies for the mini rant. 

Anyhoo......... I after a little consideration I advised Jack that I would be happy to read his book, in fact it would be a welcome addition to my little break away in the Scottish Highlands just in case it rained which meant I would need some holiday reading. Of course, it did bloody well rain....... a lot. So on the one hand I don't get so see much of this beautiful land during those few days away, though it did mean that I got the chance (being a famously slow reader) to read this book. And boy did I enjoy it.

Firstly, let me throw your way a little ol synopsis.....

"Celebrity Chef Zombie Apocalypse is the story of the dead celebrity chef Floyd Rampant, who rises from his grave aiming to create a zombie army of chefs who will rule the world, using the human species as the main ingredient in their cordon bleu meals."

Jack's habit of stealing peoples books in coffee shops and

writing rude messages in them continues.

As you will see from the brief description, this is a zombie horror novel that comes with a fair dollop of humour. There is a saying that horror (films, tv, books etc) tend to reflect the society of the moment - and if that's not a saying and I've just made it up, well I hereby claim it for my own. In other words, we get the horror output that we deserve. Perhaps this may explain the proliferation of zombie related material over the last few years, in that every Zombie apocalypse written about is simply a metaphor of the gradual disintegration of the social world that we live in. The argument may indeed have some merit, because when one looks at just what is going on around us (not just here in the UK,  but around the world) it's safe to say that things are a little complicated. In fact I think that the psychological and sociological term is that 'we're all fucked'. 

So in order to deal with this impending social apocalypse we currently dress our fears, hates and prejudices up in Zombie lore. This seems to work when done on a dramatic level, but does it work when one infuses the lore with a healthy dose of biting (I'll get my coat) political and social satire as Jack strange does with Celebrity Chef Zombie Apocalypse? Well yes it does, and some.

There may be some out there in the horror loving community who may be disappointed in the lack of genuine in your face descriptive horror in this novel. However there is still enough blood and guts to satisfy many of us and in truth this will certainly appeal both to horror and non-horror fans alike in that it wears it's funny bone well and truly on its sleeve - as it were. This is certainly a comedy horror book for adults rather than a horror comedy, and something I would wager that Jack fully intended.

The creation of Floyd Rampant (who my wife expertly informs me is based upon the notorious celebrity chef Keith Floyd) is quite simply a work of genius. Whilst some of the supporting characters may feel a little 2-dimensional, Rampant is instead a fully blown in-your-face larger than life character complete with laugh out loud dialogue as he begins to force his vociferous appetites (both culinary and sexual) on an unsuspecting public. I kid ye not, there are moments when I read this in the confines of my rain-sodden Highland cottage and the place echoed to the sound of my unrestrained laughter.

I must admit that I never thought I would ever write this next sentence in a blog article, but special mention too should be given to the creation of Henderson, the cat turned into a vicious cat-zombie. I know, I know, the concept sounds ludicrous but believe me it works! The much neglected sub genre of Feline zombies finally gets the poster boy that its been crying out for with the rightfully creative ways in which it despatches it's human victims. Inspired writing.

Jack is a founder member of the

Phil Collins impersonators society.

Yes, there are some areas where the story doesn't quite work; for example the introduction of the Lazarus machine, the equipment responsible for bringing the dead back to life, feels too rushed and would have benefited from a more detailed consideration and back-story. Indeed, some of the descriptive narrative at certain points during the novel is occasionally overly basic and lacking in depth, as is the depiction of a couple of the lesser characters.

However, these are just minor quibbles because there is far more in Celebrity Chef Zombie Apocalypse to praise than to criticise, whether it be the masterful creations of Rampant & Henderson, the wonderfully piercing commentary of societies attitude to celebrity or the extremely funny satire of the political elite and their views of the cultural divide on the north and south of the country. Indeed, the gobsmacking Government response to the zombie epidemic could have come straight out of many a classic British satirical comedy.

All in all I would highly recommended this debut novel from an author who displays a confident line in exquisite satirical humour. There may may be some who are offended by the occasional swear word, sex scene (not that explicit to be honest) and occasional bouts of flesh eating violence. Well don't get me started on the modern habits of those in society just waiting to be offended by anything and everything, because that's a rant for another time.

You can buy Celebrity Chef Zombie Apocalypse RIGHT HERE

This article can also be found via the 5D website www.5d-blog.com. There you can find a veritable feast of blog articles, news items, pictures and other mouth-watering salutations to the gods of the geeks and the nerds. We have now inherited the earth, you know.

In addition, should any of you fine people out there wish to advertise on the 5D website then have a look at the offer below.

We Are Soldier - News & competition for this exciting new Sci-fi project.

It will come as no surprise to anyone who has ever chanced upon this blog to know that I am something of a social networking floozie when it comes to channeling my news and views. Yes it cannot be denied, if there's a forum out there that I haven't explored then chances are that it's either not worth the time and effort in terms of rewards (e.g messages of love and adoration) or that it is still on my 'to do and exploit' list (yes Reddit, I'm talking about you). So be warned my dear reader, there really is no chance of escape out there in Internetland because eventually I will find you..... and I will blog to you......

So a week or so ago one of my plethora of social networking outlets was contacted (in this case the 5D. The Fifth Dimension Facebook group page (the link for which can be found RIGHT HERE) regarding an especially interesting project that immediately ticked a number of boxes in this here blogger's science fiction loving cold, cold heart. The message came from the writer and producer of the project, Lee Asquith-Coe who wanted to spread the word about his teams work of producing an original sci-fi script called We Are Soldier.

The message ran as follows;

"I, along with an incredible team of very talented peeps have been producing an original sci-fi script called "We Are Soldier" our facebook page takes you on our incredible journey so far, with some incredible BTS shots, from some our shoots plus, prop builds and concept art. If you love Sci-Fi and want to break the remake/reboot mould then please check us out! We hope you will join us on our multilayered journey. Hope you enjoy the concept trailers below. Peace and Love."

Well I don't know about you but my interest was immediately tickled, so much so that I contacted Mr Asquith-Coe and the We Are Soldier Facebook page to find out a little more. The first thing that I demanded was a synopsis, and I was duly rewarded.......

"We Are Soldier is a fast paced action filled adrenaline ride set in the not too distant future where the integration of man and machine through bio implants and nano-technology have become a reality. Where hardened criminals become Drone soldiers, their memories inhibited, their pasts erased and their futures controlled by The British Army. How far will mankind go to protect innocent lives from fighting wars on foreign soil? "

So what else can I tell you about what looks like a rather exciting conception? Well the team behind it regard it as something of a slow burning project, all the crew (who all work in film and tv production) have day jobs so the pace of the project has been taking a little breathe recently due to juggling multiple roles, projects etc.....BUT with a new suit currently under construction and current plans underway to shoot a potentially mouth-watering scene they hope to have far more information soon for investment purposes and bloggers such as myself. The project started out a simple single layered story, which has now turned into a huge multilayered action thriller, with twists and turns, an apocalyptic original sci-fi script that the team hope will blow everyone away.

And do you know something? I'm decidedly confident that they will indeed 'blow us away', because I've also had the good fortune to be shown the first few pages of the 1st draft treatment of the screenplay for We Are Soldiers - now I don't know about you but methinks just being given the opportunity to read something few others have seen is rather cool.

The only problem is that Lee gave me me VERY STRICT orders not to divulge or share anything much at all about what I read - apparently there are some rather unscrupulous buggers out there when it comes to stealing film ideas, so the team are very keen that things are kept under wraps for now. In fact I would go as far to say that I received a couple of not-so-veiled-threats about what would happen if I did...... the public ritual disembowelment and drowning in a vat of three year old Bisto gravy was maybe a tad extreme, but I suppose they have a point. Not only that, but I have also been warned that to be able to read the final treatment and script, DNA samples must first be obtained! Well it could be worse I suppose, depending on what samples could in theory be required........

All I will say for now is the that the concept, story and themes are mouth-watering! 

If all that wasn't enough, I decided to employ my world famous charm on Lee to see if there was any possibility of getting my hands on something from the planned film to use as a competition prize on the 5D website. As usual, my charm failed to work but being the decent human being that he is, Lee still agreed to let us have something. He and the team plan to have a whole range of competitions and incentives to further publicise the project so I am eternally grateful for his generosity.

COMPETITION TIME

An incredible team of very talented peeps have been producing an original sci-fi script called "We Are Soldier". 

"We Are Soldier" is a SCI-FI action film set in the not too distant future, where criminals are sentenced to life as Drone Soldiers.

The facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/WeRSoldier/ takes you on their amazing journey so far, with some incredible BTS shots, from some their shoots plus, prop builds and concept art. 

You can win this genuine prop from the project, a "Python MK II" prop pistol by answering this question from writer/producer Lee Asquith-Coe;

"How Many enemy targets does our Soldier's target system detect?

The answer can be found in the concept trailer at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SzOL66fEU8Y&feature=youtu.be

To have the chance of winning this fabulous prize all you have to do is visit the 5D website at www.5d-blog.com and submit your answer in the competition section. Good luck!

The We are Soldier team would LOVE you to PLEASE check out their action concept Teaser.......and maybe visit their Facebook page. https://www.facebook.com/WeRSoldier

This article can also be found via the 5D website www.5d-blog.com. There you can find a veritable feast of blog articles, news items, pictures and other mouth-watering salutations to the gods of the geeks and the nerds. We have now inherited the earth, you know.

Guest Blog #3 - From The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974) to Plane Walker – How Senses Can Shape a Narrative by C. P. Dunphey

Welcome to the third of the guest blog slots for 5D. This particular piece comes from C.P Dunphey, who was born in Staten Island, New York. He grew up in Southern Mississippi and had an interest in writing since he was very young. In 2015, he founded his own publishing company, Gehenna Publishing House. His first novel, Plane Walker, was released in 2016. Here at 5D headquarters we'll be reviewing the novel, which is winging it's way across the pond as I write this, in the next couple of weeks.

C.P hopes to further his writing as well as offer authors opportunities to be heard and read, his dream being that Gehenna Publishing House becomes a household name. The sequel to his novel, Plane Walker, titled Heiron, is slated for release in early 2017.

If you would like to be a guest blogger for me then you can contact me through my website at www.5d-blog.com.

From The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974) to Plane Walker – How Senses Can Shape a Narrative by C. P. Dunphey

My junior year in college, I decided to take a film class.  I had always been a huge film buff and decided it would be appropriate and fun to take a class that required me to study something I loved.  I had this wonderful professor, Dr. French, and he showed us several fantastic films which we later discussed.  From Vertigo (1958) to Harold and Maude (1971), classics were prominent.  Each film was chosen to discuss specific aspects of film.  So when Dr. French told us that for the chapter on Sound we would be watching The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974), I must say we were bewildered at first.  I had never seen the film and many classmates had not either.  It was a notorious movie and we all knew we were in for a trip.  Dr. French told us we weren’t required to watch it considering the nature of the film.

            When we finally screened the movie, I was blown away.  Especially when Dr. French talked about how all of the score was composed with metal objects scraping against each other, due to budget constraints.  And also how the director Tobe Hooper, asked for a “G” rating from the MPAA because there was such a shortage of on-screen violence.  Of course the MPAA declined and they gave him an “X” rating.  Hooper tried again for a “PG” after edits and only then did he receive an “R” rating. 

            The fact of the matter is, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974) was a film that terrified primarily by the senses.  The sounds and score left you to imagine the worst and because of the score, the film was more effective than any could have imagined.  Now the film is considered to be a classic.  The fascinating thing about this movie, is the use of the senses to invoke fear and suspense.  The film does not have a lot of on-screen violence, but what is left to be implied by sounds and visuals, will haunt you for the rest of your days.

            When I began writing Plane Walker, I chose a stream-of-consciousness narrative and from the beginning it was a struggle to invoke feelings of fear and dread with the voice of a singular character.  It took a lot of editing and a lot of different ideas for the novel to finally form into the visceral entity it is now.  One of my biggest inspirations during this struggle was the use of senses in The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974).  I knew after seeing that film that it was possible to use techniques through narrative to create an atmosphere of discomfort and suspense.

            Through protagonist Lazarus’s eyes, I tried to convey his thoughts into detail and crisp description in a way that would make the readers feel vacuumed into his mind.  I used every one of the five senses in every way I could, often creating elements that were unfamiliar to normal human senses.  I tried to use sound, visuals, and touch as my primary storytellers.  With Lazarus’s suit, Hyperion, there are several scenes where he describes in great detail the confines of his suit and what psychological comfort the machine gives to him.  Though it was difficult, I found ways to convey the images and feelings I had in my mind for the narrative.  None of it would have been as inspired if I hadn’t attended that film class junior year of college, where the great Mr. French introduced me to the classic horror film, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974).

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This article can also be found via the 5D website www.5d-blog.com. There you can find a veritable feast of blog articles, news items, pictures and other mouth-watering salutations to the gods of the geeks and the nerds. We have now inherited the earth, you know.

Shallow water - the kickstarter campaign

COLLORA ANNOUNCES ANTHOLOGY OF ORIGINAL HORROR/SCIFI SHORTS 

SERIES OF “LONG SHORTS” BEGINS WITH SHALLOW WATER – WITH A NEW CINEMA CREATURE, & INTENSE PRACTICAL EFFECTS

A few years ago I chanced upon a short film on the internet that in many ways fundamentally changed my life - NO! Clean those dirty little minds you naughty people out there. I'm not talking about one of THOSE films on the internet, you know the ones I mean where a man and a woman (or lots of men with lots of women) who love each other very, very much decide to do what comes naturally....... or in some cases, rather unnaturally.

No, this particular film was something entirely different, though if truth be told it did still include men dressing up in leather and grunting a lot. Batman: Dead End was a short film made by Sandy Corolla for just $30,000, and comes with a simple and straightforward story; 

" The Joker has escaped from Arkham and Batman must once again bring him in - once and for all. Unfortunately for the bat, there is something even more sinister than the Joker waiting in the alley for the dark knight detective....namely a couple of familiar looking Aliens"

The film caused something of a sysmic sensation amongst fans who attended it's premier at the 2003 San Diego Comic-Con. After that the film quickly became an online sensation, so much so that it eventually became one of the most downloaded films in Internet history and none other than Kevin Smith called it "possibly the truest, best Batman movie ever made". 

You really have to know something, old Silent Bob is not wrong. I managed to first see the eight minutes of Bat beauty myself a couple of years after the initial excitement (I know, once again I was laughably behind the times) and blimey, I too was mesmerised. Has anyone - including Tim Burton and Christopher Nolan - ever come as close to capturing the essence of Batman as Sandy Collora did? I think not. If that wasn't enough, this was made just a couple of years before Joel Schumacher gave the whole Batman legacy a well aimed kick to to the groin with the utterly lamentable Batman & Robin. The contrast on every level couldn't be greater.

But don't take my word for it, or the audience of San Diego Comic-Con, or for that matter those in Internetland who made the film an Internet phenomenon. No, if you've never seen it then check it out here.......

Batman: Dead End was intended as a promotional vehicle for the writing and directing talents of its maker, Sandy Corolla. For some unfathomable reason, Corolla's directing career never took off in the way that it should have........ but hopefully this will now change because now he has announced his long-awaited return to producing shorts with an anthology of “long shorts” - 20 to 30 minute original genre films. His first entry in the anthology is Shallow Water – “a gritty and intense film that unleashes a new cinema creature unlike anything seen before.” 

To help fund it, Collora has launched a Kickstarter campaign you can find the link at; http://kck.st/1VjhXaI. More about this in a few moments.

So let's dip our collective toes in the lovely synopsis pool shall we? Come on in, it feels great.........

"An innocent adventure: a fishing trip to a remote and mythical fishing hole goes awry and becomes a terrifying predicament that keeps getting worse. Nestled deep in the Sea of Cortez is a tiny island you won't find on any map. 

Six fishermen scour the Baja peninsula to find this magical place, but when they finally reach their destination, they encounter some sea life that they did not expect. This puts them all at odds and it quickly becomes every man for himself."

Shallow Water will be the first of a series of “long shorts” that the filmmaker plans to combine and release as a feature, in the manner of Creepshow and Heavy Metal. Collora believes Hollywood has dropped the ball in introducing fresh new genre concepts. While he attributes it to pressures faced by studios to prioritize safety in meeting their bottom lines, he also feels sequels and remakes are now excessive, and have compromised the art.

I have to say that I completely agree. There are many of us who love the horror genre and always will, but nonetheless feel a sense of disappointment and, dare I say it, boredom at where we find ourselves in 2016. Whether it be the incessant hand-held camera offerings or penchant for quick and easy remakes it could well be argued that this isn't something anywhere near to a golden period of risk taking horror film-making. I'm not saying that there are no worthy offerings, because there are, but they are few and far between. Where are the iconic serial killers? The claustrophobic suspense filled moments? The iconic movie monsters?

Sandy and the monster........ Sandy is the one on the left, I think :-)

Well hold on to your hats because Mr Collora is on a mission to restore the horror genre to its rightful place at the top of the pile. So says the man himself: “I love genre films. I grew up on the original Alien and Predator, and they are awesome. But it’s too long since we had something new, unique and powerful in that space.”

Collora was born in New York and always loved film. He moved to California at 17 and found initial success as an artist at Stan Winston Studios, mastering the art of sculpture and character creation, first on films like “Leviathan” and “Alien Nation” then later on “Men In Black”, “Total Recall” and “The Abyss”. He became a go-to designer of action figures, had a successful stint as a commercial director, then wrote and directed the cult classic Batman Dead End which set records for numbers of downloads for a short. Since then his friends and fans have urged him to produce another short.

After producing the feature film “Hunter Prey”, and publishing three volumes of The Art of Creature and Character Design, which he funded with the help of Kickstarter, he now returns to the short film, and to Kickstarter. 

Shallow Water proved too costly to finance as a feature with crowd funding, and that started Collora to thinking about doing the anthology. He sees his current Kickstarter as crucial. He seeks $85K, and with just 10 days to go is well on the way....... but he still needs our help. “With Kickstarter, I can stay independent, and not compromise my vision. That was a big factor in the success of Batman: Dead End. But Shallow Water is longer, with more effects – more ambitious, if you will – so I hope to augment the cost with monies from Kickstarter. For this reason, I went to town on the Rewards for people who back it - great value at a low cost, and for those with more to pledge, some pretty intense limited edition collectibles. I was proud Kickstarter designated this campaign as a “Project we Love” on its very first day, and I think it was because of the cool Rewards.”

If only I had the money for one of these suits.....

As with any crowdfunding campaign worth its salt, the success in reaching the funding target rests partly the source material and secondly the rewards on offer for parting with ones hard earned money. Well the first part seems on solid ground, the rewards are also a little bit on the interesting side. For example at the 'lower end' of the pledges there are is the usual range of tasty dvd, book, t-shirt and action figures on offer. 

A little higher up the pledge ladder there is the reward of a full figure, painted, resin production maquette which was used as reference to create the full body creature suits for the film. It was sculpted by writer/director Sandy Collora and renowned creature creator Jordu Schell. This absolutely stunning piece stands approximately 12 inches tall and will be offered painted, unpainted and unbuilt as well, for all the model kit enthusiasts who want to build and paint it themselves.   Erm, cough!.......Mr Collora.........cough!.........I would love one of these!............cough..........

Then as one goes 'higher' then it starts to get really mouth watering, with perhaps my favourite reward being the ULTIMATE reward-- a screen used creature head or full suit from the film! There will be a VERY limited number of these available after they finish shooting the movie. This is our chance to own an original screen used piece from Shallow Water.

So, if you want to see a potentially great anthology horror film and want to contribute to the creation of it, then do that crowdfunding pledging thing that you do!

The Facebook page for Shallow Water can be found at RIGHT HERE.

The Kickstarter campaign is live at http://kck.st/1VjhXaI.

This article can also be found via the 5D website www.5d-blog.com. There you can find a veritable feast of blog articles, news items, pictures and other mouth-watering salutations to the gods of the geeks and the nerds. We have now inherited the earth, you know. 

Game of Thrones - Series 6. Episodes 2 to 4

It was with great pleasure that 5D some time ago agreed to contribute a series of news articles for the social media phenomenon that is Blasting News, the independent online magazine based on the principle of social journalism and powered by the voices of thousands of people called Blasters. 

So now 5D,  apart from being quite possibly the finest Scifi/fantasy & horror website on the planet, is now a blaster. I know I've been called worse.

You can access my pearls of wisdom (sic) via my Blasting News profile RIGHT HERE.

OR...............

As part of my insatiable need for positive affirmation and adoration, not to mention my raging & some may say rampant narcissism, a vote took place at 5D headquarters which resulted in the decision to also publish the Blasting news articles on here. I know, I'm just too shallow nice. 

So here you go with the pieces I put together for episodes 2 to 4. They're brief, to the point and guaranteed to make you think............... of doing something else.

    

Game Of Thrones Recap: Season 6 , Ep 2 - HOME

The return of the man who knows nothing finally proves many right, and me wrong, in Game of Thrones.

Before I begin I have two disclaimers; the first is that this and every subsequent piece will most definitely contain a number of spoilers of each episode of Game Of Thrones – so look away now me hearties if you don’t want your day ruined beyond all redemption! The second disclaimer is that these are not critical reviews of each episode; I may get some facts wrong (no doubt), I may miss some information out (most probably) and  I may constantly bang on about how Lena Headey as Cersai is about as delicious as delicious can be (that’s a given). 

Arise Jon Snow

So yes I and countless others around the world who are obsessed more than a sane person should be with Game of Thrones were wrong, the man who knows nothing returned, though not until after some pruning, brushing and cleaning by the by now angst-ridden Melisandre. This was swiftly followed by some mumbled incantations designed to elicit the life into the near naked body of Mr Snow. 

Thankfully the Red Witch decided to wear her necklace and thus portray her younger form and put aside the image of her old decrepit self. The result being that many of we guys may never rid from our collective memory ever again after last week’s revelation. Will the resurrection leave Jon less of a man than he was before? Will it leave him more of a man than he was before? Or will it leave him as mad as a box of Frogs when he realises that his clothes have been sold off and all he now has to wear at the wall is a small loin cloth?

Ramsey, you're a bad boy

Talking about being as mad as a box of Frogs – Back at Winterfell, Ramsey Bolton, come on down! Bless his murderous little monster monster heart as the he yet again wins the ‘King Joffrey nasty little bastard award’ for the umpteenth week running. Not only content with knifing his Pop, Lord Roose Bolton, after realising that his new born step-brother could potentially usurp his right to succession he then proceeds to feed the dogs…..with his step mother & her new born. 

Go get him Jaime

Perhaps the most electrifying scene of the week took place between Jamie Lannister and the High Sparrow. I’ve made it no secret in the past that old ‘Leftie himself is my favourite show character of whom I would argue has by far the most interesting arc of character development of all, both in the books and in the TV series. The scene of unspoken threat and violence between the two men was quite simply delicious, the old Jaime would have automatically chopped off the head of old Sparrow. Something tells me his time will come.

And special mention to………

Notable Deaths - Ser Gregorstein and the drunks head mash, Wildling giant and the Nightwatch body mash. I should be a little embarrassed and possibly ashamed at laughing out loud at the sight of a character being mashed against a wall, I really should. But I don’t. 

Cersai – Looking as gorgeous as ever with the short hair look. 

Tyrian one liners – To be quite frank it’s a toss-up between “The next time I have an idea like that again, punch me in the face” or “That’s what I do. I drink and I know things”

And finally

Before you say it, I know, I know. I haven’t even mentioned the dragons……..or Arya…….or Sansa……..or Bran. Maybe next week.

Game Of Thrones Recap: Season 6, Ep 3 -  OATHBREAKER

Something of a slow burning episode in which violence (mostly) takes a backseat to chat.

Game of Thrones this week did what it sometimes does best. Namely to take a breath with some sparkling yet understated dialogue whilst tantalising its audience with some hope (Jon Snow's resurrection), some pain (Jon's depression at his resurrection) and a the hint of an answer to the biggest of fan theories (just who are Jon's parents?).

Well hello cheeky

So now, after the shock of last week's episode, Jon Snow actually does know nothing as the poor so-and-so wakes up from death to find himself stark naked on a cold wooden table up there in the frozen north. “I shouldn’t be here” he mumbles. That was nothing compared to the look of shock on the faces of the gathered Wildlings and Night’s Watchas he later decides to hang up his Lord Commander's cloak and depart from the watch. Ah but at least he got a hug from his mates. 

The real story of Ser Arthur Dayne

It’s another trip into the past for Bran and the Three-eyed Raven as they visit the scene of the legendary confrontation between Bran’s father, Ned Stark, and “ the best swordsman he ever saw." Sadly for Bran, it seems Ned’s story of heroism may have had some element of, well, big fat lies as it turns out Dayne was stabbed in the back of the neck by Howland Reed. However, the real stunner for Bran is his calling out to his father and old Ned hearing him……can he now affect the past?

Ramsey gets a present

So what the heck is Umber up to? First he insults the mad-as-a-box of frogs Ramsey by calling his dead but probably still warm father the C word, not once but twice, but he also refused to bend his knee and swear allegiance to the new Lord Bolton. Instead he presents him with a trio of presents; a Direwolf’s head, Osha,6 and Rickon Stark. So we’ve either got a few weeks of torture from Ramsey or maybe it’s a ruse by Umber & Rickon? The Internet Is awash with countless conspiracy theories to that effect.

Notable mentions........

Ser Alisser Thorne and his not-so-merry band of stabbers get what many felt was coming to them at the end of a hangman's rope. Plenty of muffled chokes, swinging legs, and bulging eyes after the deed was done. I’ll miss Alliser, even he did try to kill old cheeky bum Jon.

Cersai – still looking as gorgeous as ever with the short hair look. Talking about looks, the look of death that she gave the Small council as they left her to face more lonely humiliation was a sight to behold. Silly people, I expect they'll pay. Here's hoping!

Tyrian one liners – “The true history of the world is the history of great conversations in elegant rooms."

Arya gets her sight back. Tommen is, well, still poor little wet Tommen.

Tyrian fails miserably in his attempts to socialise. 

Game Of Thrones Recap: Season 6, Ep 4;

 THE BOOK OF THE STRANGER

This week sees the seeds sown to make the future look decidedly bloody for all concerned.

Well, after last week's slow-burner episode this week's Game of Thrones saw proceedings take a distinct up-turn for one particular storyline, while a number of other story strands began to ever increasingly hint at a number violent confrontation soon to come. If that wasn't enough, the Internet was almost broken by the mother of dragons.

There's something in my eye....

I don’t know about you, but I swear that I heard a collective “Ahhhhh, bless” the moment when Jon Snow and Sansa embraced each other after travelling with Brienne to the wall. Unfortunately I wasn’t really able to concentrate too much on the scene due to getting something in my eye, in fact both of them) right at the very moment of the reunion. It was so bad (probably dust, yes that’s right, it was dust) that my eyes began to water – thankfully my eyes were better, just after Sansa apologised for being selfish and Jon said sorry for being a sulky git (well no change there, Jon mate).

There’s going to be a rumble……..number 1

If this episode was good for anything it was to provide the reference point for a number of tasty little clashes coming up later in the series. For a while it seemed that the Jon/Sansa reunion was going to fizzle into a sibling fall-out when Jon declared that he had no stomach for further fighting, even though Sansa said that she would go alone to retake Winterfell (you go girl). However the letter from cuddly Ramsey threatening to do all sort of unspeakable acts to just about everybody and his pet dog currently living in the North was enough to spur him into action. 2000 wildlings against 5000 Bolton troops? Bring it on baby!

There’s going to be a rumble…….number 2

Ahh Cersei you gorgeous looking manipulative devil you. Not only does she manage to get some tasty tit bits of information on the High Sparrow by playing on the maternal needs of poor insipid Tommen. But she also manages to persuade the Tyrells to march their forces into the city and retake the power back from the dastardly fanatics without the need to spill much, or any of the last remaining Lannister blood. Brains as well as being drop-dead gorgeous.

There’s going to be a rumble…….number 3

Things haven’t been going to well for the old mother of dragons herself, Dany, having recently been run out of town by the dastardly son’s of the harpy, only then to be captured by the Dothraki horde who seem intent on putting her with the rest of the widowed Khaleesi gals. So instead she decides to turn the tables on them and in doing so create a collective gasp amongst the program’s worldwide audience; Firstly by destroying the collective Dothraki Khal leadership in the house fire from hell; secondly by walking out naked to the gathered now kneeling throng, completely unscathed by the flames. I think she may have found an answer to retaking her cities & finally giving those across the water in Westeros a good damn good thrashing. Oh and did I say she was naked?

And notable mentions to………

Deaths of the week – Did I really see blood splatter onto the screen from the  pulverising to the Dothraki's head? I think I did – awesome! Ok, so technically he was already dead but we get our Game of Thrones death thrills where we can.

Oh poor Osha, clearly underestimating his mad as a box of frogs lordship by thinking that she could give Ramsey a swift knife to the throat, only to have her own neck well and truly slit in between his apple munching…..Rickon, you’re for it mate!

The return of the redoubtable Littlefinger getting up to his Machiavellian best.

Tormund giving Brienne his best ‘Loved up eyes’ routine across the table.

Brienne making it quite clear to Melisandre that if they do travel together to Winterfell the conversation is going to be a little strained to say the least.

This article can also be found via the 5D website www.5d-blog.com. There you can find a veritable feast of blog articles, news items, pictures and other mouth-watering salutations to the gods of the geeks and the nerds. We have now inherited the earth, you know.