Diabolis of Dublin - a vampire novel by Michael Mulvihill

When Michael Mulvihill asked me to review his most recent novel, Diabolis of Dublin, I was somewhat cautious, perhaps even reluctant. 

This wasn't anything to do with the quality of Michael's writing, most definitely not. After all I thoroughly enjoyed his first horror novel, the excellent Siberian Hellhole, the proof of which is in a much earlier earlier blog entry which if you are interested can be found HERE. 

No, the actual problem was the subject matter...........Vampires, blooming Vampires.

There were two particular things that provided the formative inspirations for my love of horror- the first was Universal studios productions of the Frankenstein movie series with Boris Karloff in his iconic splendour. The first movie I can ever really remember staying up late for (& well past my official bedtime) was 'The son of Frankenstein' which scared the living hell out of me and meant I didn't sleep for a week ( in fact I refused to sleep in my room alone) - it was wonderful! 

The second and possibly greater influence on my horror devotism (I'm not sure if that's a word, but I'm keeping it) was that of Dracula. Even from a very young age I, like many others, had had a fascination with all things vampire. For example I can distinctly remember reading one particular book, when I was about 10 years old, on Vlad the Impaler and other inspirations for the bloodsucking vampire myths. It had an effect on me like few other books have ever had - it opened up a world of these wonderfully terrifying creatures of the night. 

Then as my love of horror movies grow so did my love of the various incarnations by the likes of Lugosi, Lee, Langella et al, each in their different but wonderful portrayals of the eponymous Count. For me, vampires in movies such as the delectable Hammer films and a plethora of other incarnations meant that vampires were generally what symbolised all that could be perfect about the horror medium. They could be grotesque and nasty, they could be terrible and sadistic, but they could also be deliciously complex and occasionally textured and sympathetic creations. Whatever they were, they always symbolised one thing- what horror could really be.

That is until Twilight - bloody Twilight. Bloody Hell.

Now, I could cheerfully fill up endless rant-fuelled pages about the damage I think that twilight did to the reputation of vampires in terms of authentic horror story telling. Even typing the word 'sparkly' in relation to that abomination of book and movie series makes me turn a little queasy - and as for the memory of being dragged by my daughter to see one of this monstrosities at the cinema, sat in a packed auditorium and being only one of two males in the whole place is something that makes me feel more than a little traumatised. I know there are some that disagree with me (Michael Mulvihill himself will do so shortly) in the view that the effect of Twilight (and to a certain extent even the likes of Buffy the vampire slayer and Angel) has been to sanitise the whole Vampire genre. They have been transformed from blood sucking demonic creatures of the night into coiffured and perfectly formed specimens of souls who's only torture is to pine longingly at the object of their particular affections - god it's enough to chill me to the bone......and not in a good way.

So in recent years we have seen the once all-powerful vampire transformed into a simpering, whimpering love sick individual who has flawlessly pale skin, a penchant for chilled transfused blood and who sparkles rather nicely when finally bumped off either by another simpering vampire or occasionally a muscular pretty-boy Werewolf. The Vampire as a classic personification of horror has now been usurped by the Zombie though a veritable plethora of entertainment mediums , though there are signs that the genre may be feeling the beginnings of a backlash in some quarters. I'm not saying that this is all the fault of Twilight - but it is!

So when I received a copy of Micheal's book I was rather intrigued on two levels. Firstly would he be able to match the quality of his first book, Siberian Hellhole. Secondly, and for purely selfish reasons, more importantly, would he be able contribute to rekindling the view and genuine love of Vampires?

Let's see shall we? First a brief little overview.......a synopsis if you will.

DIABOLIS OF DUBLIN

It is the month of October and Dublin is preparing to celebrate “The Bram Stoker Festival.” But little does Dublin know it has a Dracula of its very own. 

Lucis Diabolis has just consumed the blood of the inner cities underclasses. The junkie hordes which inhabit the city have provided a meal for Diabolis that is less than gourmet. Having talked to demons and seen the ghosts of those who were violently killed in the city centre, the vampire returns to his home. 

On entering his tomb in Mount Jerome the consequences of consuming such impure blood begin to emerge. He spends his day experiencing side effects akin to the dreaded delirium tremens. When Diabolis emerges from his tomb he feels only slightly improved. He contemplates the rich, noble, aristocratic heritage, of Mount Jerome Cemetery and laments the wealthy people of long ago who are now underneath the ground in graves. Diabolis wishes that these aristocrats were alive so he could eat and drink their refined, noble blood. 

It dawns on the vampire Lucis Diabolis that the cure for having consumed such horrid blood is simply to consume noble, rich, affluent blood. This will surely enliven and heal his system entirely.But how is the vampire Lucis Diabolis to find such blood? 

This is Diabolis dilemma, especially in an era where blood is so blatantly mixed, rendering true, noble blood, harder and harder to obtain............

Well that all sounds rather fab and dandy doesn't it? And yet I wasn't just going to take the writers word for it, because in science fiction/fantasy and horror blog summer school the first lesson of reviewing is that one actually should read or view the material for oneself before providing an opinion. It's a rather earth-shattering revelation but I thought I would give it a go  - and so read it I did.

I am more than happy to say that Michael Mulvihill's second novel does not disappoint, in fact I would as far so say that I enjoyed it even more than his first venture into horror. Siberian Hellhole was a beautifully crafted story that suffered only very occasionally from the authors obvious psychological technical knowledge getting in the way of the narrative. However in Diabolis of Dublin we witness the evolution and maturity of a writer and his craft moving ever towards an ever increasing level of confidence, and with it, skill. Not only has he crafted a lead character in Lucis Diabolis who simply oozes a delicious combination of evil charm and sadistic power, he has set the story against a backdrop of a city that Michael obviously knows well, and loves. I have never been to Dublin, but as a result of Michael's exquisitely detailed and textured description of both well known and lesser known locations, I feel like I now know the place. 

We are presented with a darkly eerie and exciting reading experience as we follow Lucis around Dublin in his quest to feed and rid himself of his infection. Michael Mulvihill is fast developing a style of prose that is both engaging and darkly atmospheric as he skilfully creates a tale of traditional tale of terror without ever succumbing to parody or cliche. 

Will this appeal to many of us traditionalists who yearn for a resurgence of nasty, violent vampire behaviour? Indeed it will. Do you like your lead vampires with barely concealed levels of grotesque depravity? Well here you have him. Do you like your horror writers who not only produces horror as it it should be written but also treats his subject material and reader with a genuine sense of respect? Well here he is.

Diabolis of Dublin is a traditional vampire story set within a contemporary location. It works beautifully. It is both beautifully written and expertly presented by a writer who is improving with his every work. This is exactly how tales of vampires should be - dark, threatening and deliciously frightening. I'm not sure if it will appeal to the legion of Twilight readers - and that we should be eternally grateful for methinks

I don't regard myself as a writer, more a scribbler of abstract thoughts and self-indulgent opinions within this blog. This isn't false modesty, I sincerely believe that I simply don't possess what it takes to be a writer of fiction - for one thing I don't have the patience ( or the talent!). 

Consequently I thought it would be nice to have a wee looksee into the mind of the writer and find out a little about what makes him tick and as luck would have it, Michael kindly offered to answer some of my inane questions to offer up a unique and considered insight into the formulation of his craft. Add to that a rather cheeky sense of humour - let Mr Mulvihill be assured that his assertions that I love Twilight and Justine Bieber are libellous, slanderous and any other 'ous' I can think of and that my legal team are fast working on an appropriate response that may well end up in court......either that I might just stick out my tongue at him and shout "Liar, liar pants on fire!!"

(Me) So Michael, what inspired you to become a writer on an already competitive & some would argue, saturated genre?

"My answer to the latter part of that question where you say an already “competitive& some would argue, saturated genre” is that I never factor these things in when I am writing something.  I just write and things like competition and saturation I don’t care about, I have a desire to tell stories.

We live in a new world, a world of technological innovation at a time when writers and readers are experiencing a revolution which I have dreamt of since I was a young adult where the constraints placed on writers could be lifted.  I can say thank goodness they are.  What I want to convey to you is that writers are free and thank goodness they are free to write what they want. Writers no longer have to be under the s and m chains and whips and torments of traditional publishing.  Stuart this wonderful change has come. So lets address the more from the heart aspect of this question, “What inspired you to become a writer” as you say in your question, and obviously in view of me being horror writer, which is implied in the asking of this question. The horror genre becomes very natural to my personality.  I am very obsessed with life and death. 

I write horror because I believe this genre has the great power to say things which are very true to the human  condition, this is what makes me want to write horror. I am acutely aware of mental illness, addiction, because of my academic interests.  I am all too sadly familiar, because of my clinical work, of the horrendous traumas our fellow human beings have inflicted upon each other. 

Writing horror also helps me to give therapy to myself.  The Ancient Greeks believed that the best type of therapy for oneself is plenty of writing and plenty of reading and exercise so this what I do. 

In vampire horror I can attack the false pretences that a vampire is a supernatural creature that has a full grip on immortality.  If this is so why are they afraid of daylight?

With vampire literature I can also show how transient life is.  There is so much I personally can play around with.

I have been writing horrific stuff since I was 17 for so many reasons.  I may be an exclusively horror author all my life.  But a lifetime is still a long, long time, at least I sincerely hope it is. "

(Me)  Diabolis of Dublin is your second novel. What lessons did you learn from the experience of your first book, Siberian Hellhole?

" I have learnt from writing Siberian Hellhole that I can write one book a year or at least one hundred thousand words a year. 

Maybe I can write much, much more.  I learnt that I do prefer novels than the short stories I write.  

But having said that I do think that my short story “Resting Without Peace” which is in issue 66 of Blackpetals.net  http://blackpetalsks.tripod.com/blackpetalsissue66/id4.html is a good example of a short story I wrote.  After writing Siberian Hellhole my main focus is now on writing horror novels. But every year I intend to publish short stories in BP and when I feel comfortable with the range of short stories I have published I will chose the best and put it into one volume and see what the horror community/reading community think. So the first lesson I learnt was focus and goal setting in my writing.

The second lesson I learnt is that people we would think represent the traditional mainstream, like people in National Newspapers and traditionally published authors have loved Siberian Hellhole and so now I see that it is not a futile exercise for me to at least submit Diabolis of Dublin to traditional publishers, this is the reason why I unpublished it from Kindle.  I will publish it again if I have to, but judging from the reactions of my work it has become a conviction that my work deserves to be mainstream published and yes I desire it, so I must give it a go.

I learnt from writing Siberian Hellhole that I am not finished with The USSR or Post USSR, Russia or the former bloc countries. I could write and research so much about this, I really have an interest in this place.  Definitely I will write some book that will either be set in Siberia or a former Soviet Republic either in the Soviet Period or during Glasnost, or such a novel will be inspired by the immense education I got from researching it.

Siberian Hellhole was set in Siberia.  But I know as a writer I need to challenge myself. “Diabolis of Dublin” was done from a lesson I learnt from Siberian Hellhole.  People kept asking me why am I not basing my stories in Ireland since I am Irish? What can I say, the gauntlet was thrown down to the author and the gauntlet was answered."

(Me) Some within the horror community view examples such as the Twilight series as a terminal nail In the coffin of vampires. So why did you choose to write a vampire novel?

" This answer may seem pedantic.  But I want to be focused and address every part of these questions and statements you are giving me.

So lets talk about Twilight.  (I bet visitors to your blog just love Twilight, The Vampire Diaries and Justin Bieber, Beverley Hills 90210, hunks and cheer leaders, the whole high school scene and fashion, and that’s cool! And that shows you how well I know your readers right)

Look here Stu, more and more publishers want writers to pull genres together.  This is what Twilight is.  It is a mixture of teen angst, high school drama meets vampire, meets stunning good looks meets the fashion cat walk, designer clothes meets fashion style, meets horror, and what you get is what some mainstream publishers want, and what some people of our time call, ‘great writing.’  This is also the era where some people want to kill literature and all things literary.  In these times writing quality matters less than “The High Concept.”  If you can pull big themes together, do a vulgar lab based clone job on them, pushing as much as you can together, and if your novel sounds like an extension of a movie script, this is what is most desired by the mainstream.

In contrast I believe writing should be intelligent and it should be beautiful.  But this is out of bounds with conventional mainstream writing which seems to be stylistically cloned from other best selling writers.  If it sells well it has to be brilliant and definitely superior to something that does not sell so well.

Is twilight the nail in the coffin of the vampire genre? No.

Look I know your readers love Twilight and want more of it so they will be sad to know I have never watched it/read it. But they will be demanding me and possibly torturing me to read it and watch every one of the series.  But I also want to say that this type of torture should be made illegal under some article of UN Human Rights Law.

So why do I say no the Twilight series has not done a destructive job to vampire horror?

Number One, Horror is a special genre.  Horror has its own publishing houses, its own movie makers and its own production companies that are dedicated to making horror that is not mainstream. These non mainstream genre people will always make non mainstream stuff, some of which will feature vampires or vampire related themes like “Midnight Son” 2012 which are absolute gems.  I really loved “Midnight Son.”

The beauty of our genre is that our genre proves that something does not have to sell millions to gain cult classic status, nor does it have to be on some silly bestseller list, or to be widely applauded.  My favourite vampire piece is Abel Ferrara’s “The Addiction.”

These are examples of non mainstream exquisite vampire stories and I don’t care home much Twilight has sold or any of that nonsense, because I know in my heart of heart the makers of Twilight can’t tie the shoe laces of the makers and creators of “The Addiction,” and “Midnight Son.”

Now people might say okay Mike these are great examples of the horror genre.  I would also cite examples of mainstream vampire fiction and cinema that has done the genre proud. I believe “True Blood,” “Let Me In,” “Let The Right One In” are great examples of adult vampire horror.  I believe that “The Vampires Assistant” is a great example of young adult vampire horror. 

I also believe that the horror genre for children is thriving and in respect of that may I site “Monsters House,” “Coraline,”  “Paranorman,” “Hotel Transylvania,” all of these examples of our genre will inspire the next generation to do fantastic things with horror and of course with vampire horror.  So Stuart it takes more than a nail in the coffin to kill a vampire and please tell that to those out there who do not know this about our beloved vampires. "

So why did you choose to write about vampires?

" I have studied and completed six higher level degrees of a sociological, psychological, philosophical, psychoanalytical quality.  I am relieved to say that Bram Stoker was also studious and research orientated in his approach to writing so at least I am not alienating myself when I say my approach to horror is a very studied and thought through approach.

I am a qualified and practising part time clinical hypnopsychoanalytical therapist with a specialisation in anxiety, trauma, stress, worry and mild depression.  I remember when I was studying hypnotherapy I was extremely excited because I knew once I would finish it I would be done with my studies and I could recommence my creative writing endeavours.

At this time of my life, I watched a documentary about PTSD amongst war veterans and the psychiatrists treatment of the condition in psychiatric facilities using hypnosis.  This documentary 1946 “Let There Be Light” remember was made before psycho-pharmacology was introduced to the market in the 1950’s.

My studies as you may guess are endeared and tied in to the horror genre. I have studied truly horrific things.  One of the exam questions for the course asked me to analyse the character of Bram Stokers “Dracula” in view of Freud's personality types: oral, anal, phallic, genital.  I knew Freud at the top of my head. I spent all my twenties reading him.  All I had to was read Stokers book.  In the answering of this question I knew I simply had to write horror about vampires.  

You see Stuart I have no other choice, vampire horror brings out the side of me as a creative horror writer that is philosophical, psychoanalytical, literary, sociological, macabre, Gothic, grotesque, and much, much more.  Vampire horror simply I believe brings out the best in me."

(Me) Diabolis of Dublin is set in the city that you've been a resident of for some years now and the affection that you have for the place really seems to come across. How inspiring is the city for you as a writer?

 " Dublin inspires me, Ireland inspires me.  My home city and country inspires me because I see a city of three decades, three different worlds three different places.  And I also know of a Dublin and Ireland before I was born which possibly inspires more than just the Irish.

I know the Dublin pre -boom, in the 1980’s when we were decidedly poorer and more unemployed than our European counterparts.  When we were less wealthy, less materialistic, and when there was much, much less homicides and suicides. This was the Dublin and the Ireland were abortion and divorce was illegal and the Catholic Church were powerful. 

Of course in the South we were always cognisant of that place up North, that part that was compromised in the formation of The Irish Republic back in the days of The Easter Rising, Michael Collins and his battle for Irish Independence, the oppressive Black and Tans and our fratricidal civil war. That fratricidal civil war was all over The North.  And when I was growing up right until the start of the 21^st century this province that was a part of the UK showed me what bloody, raw, terror, horror and degradation the human spirit can rise down to.  No wonder being an Irish man I have a strong appetite for the Gothic and the horrific.

I also know the Dublin of now, the Dublin of post-boom, of recession, of austerity, it is a Dublin where the poor are getting poorer, the rich are getting richer and the middle class are being cut by a million cuts.  Austerity is very ugly.These factors and more have profoundly inspired my writing.  I guess after Diabolis of Dublin, I can really call Dublin home, I can genuinely be called a Dublin writer and an Irish writer.

No doubt being a Dublin man, being an Irish man has really shaped this second novel. 

I am deeply inspired by change, sometimes I get nostalgic for the past, or I despise the way things have gone. Now I don’t have nostalgia for the Ireland of the 1980’s, but it seems like overnight roughly 1997 when the Irish economy changed.  The Irish became wealthy and something has changed within the soul of the people.  Suicide is too, too common, people are, I really have to repeat changed.

Dublin is a violent place. Violent homicides, and ordinary homicides, were rare in Ireland.  Your readers might think since when is a homicide not violent? Recently we had in Dublin a man burnt to death whilst sleeping in a camp in a park, we also had another man who was stabbed and his heart and pieces of his lung were eaten in the first case of what is believed to be cannibalism.  So a less violent homicide, an ordinary homicide?  Well, I am almost laughing at the term.  I know that we had one man going into a farm and killing a son and a man with a shot gun, but you see his methodology of homicide was less ferocious.  Look homicide in Ireland when I was a kid was rare.  Now it is every week.  It is deeply shocking.

There are so many histories in Dublin and in Ireland that have shaped the novel “Diabolis of Dublin”  it touches on so much of what is uncomfortable and sore about Dublin and Ireland.  You could say I am using the Vampire Diabolis to show you my city.

The case for Dublin being a worthy setting for a novel is immense.  The case for an Irish man being a horror writer is even more acute.  Dublin was transformed by our literary king James Joyce into a city that could produce the wanderings of Ulysses, a mega sized novel.  James Joyce lived only up the road from me in Brighton Square Rathgar, where I am communicating this interview with you Stuart.  I could go on and on, suffice to say Bram Stoker lived some time in Rathgar in Orwell Park, Oscar Wilde the great wit amongst other things he lived two miles down the road in Merrion Square. 

I think that yes absolutely if you want to write good horror Dublin can indeed be your host.  And Irish people are gifted at being dark, morose, macabre, Gothic and morbid.  I would definitely like to raise the point that Wilde's work “The Picture of Dorian Grey” is extremely dark, it is about split personality and it reminds me of “The Strange Case of Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.”  It is absolutely awesome from my perspective that this city bred the likes of Wilde and definitely Bram Stoker, for me he is the Father of Vampire Horror. "

(Me) So what is the next writing project for Michael Mulvihill?

"My third novel is very weird, I am enjoying writing it, I am reading The Mask of Insanity to help me this is a psychiatric book about psychopaths (sorry Stu I am not reading Twilight yet).  And yes this third novel is about vampires and it is set in Dublin.  I should not say much more because it is not wise to speak about concepts for a book which has not been finished. I think that you may understand this. 

I can also say that I have been watching tonnes and tonnes of documentaries about the Soviet Union.  I am obsessed with dystopias and with ideologies of social constructs with messianic and megalomaniac dreams that say Heaven shall be created and you end up in hell.  I do believe the West has this pretension that it is heaven whilst the east is hell.  But people in Greece are eating out of Garbage bins and in Chicago there is 21000 people homeless, so you do see how the West is Heaven as per old, old Western Propaganda.

I am also trying to write a fourth book, yes at the same time. It will tackle the issue of alienation and dystopia in a far less “Hunger Game” fashion because I am uninspired by this, and I don’t believe that this is a truly good example of dystopic. fiction I might be wrong, please feel free to vigorously disagree and I won’t mind in the least.  But I think a true dystopia will really open ones eyes.

I want something, some example of dystopia that feels more real but also blends well with the horror genre.  But this is something that needs thinking and needs research and it is something which unlike the third novel which I have written maybe forty thousand words of, I have written no words of this but I know I will.  It is banging against my heart and shouting at me to get a move on and I promise I will.

Sometimes people when they say they like the dystopia genre they like it only for entertaining purposes.  The dystopia I intend to create will be very, very oppressive and disturbing and real, frustrating, paranoid and crazy at least I hope it will.

Stu my next project is horror.  Don’t think just because you mentioned our bellowed “Twilight” that I will start writing first love romantic vampire stuff, vampire meets human, falls in love, and says, “hi human we can be friends, I no longer drink your kinds blood, I have gone tee total on ripping flesh apart. I much prefer to fall in love with the view to having sex with you instead, though I have been dead these past five hundred years.”

All this enterprise would be of course for your beloved blog fans to scream and say, “O My Goodness it is so, so wonderful. "

So there you have it - a fabulously detailed, informative, intelligent and considered set of answers from a talented and thoughtful writer.

Any of my blog readers who took offence at being labelled lovers of Twilight,The Vampire Diaries and Justin Bieber, Beverley Hills 90210, hunks and cheer leaders, the whole high school scene and fashion can forward their legal complaint on to me and will of course take the appropriate litigating action towards Mr Mulvihill. I may admire him and his work but I also have a reputation to consider........

Hang on a minute though - nothing wrong with Cheerleaders - right?

Level 17 - A John deCaux Web series: Episode 2

This week's short blog entry sees the release of the second in the web series - Level 17.

My reader (you know who you are and thank you, but isn't it time that you got a life?) will remember the first piece that featured in this blog back in September 2013. The piece concerns Level 17, which is an Australian Action Adventure Sci-Fi web-series that saw its first episode released in late 2013. The enterprise consists of a number of professional, emerging, amateur and student independent South Australian filmmakers who have combined their talents to produce the digital web series. 

As John himself says; "Level 17 is an ambitious new web series that follows the story of Ethan; a college student who struggles to understand his destiny when time begins folding in on itself. With the conspiring IOB Corp putting Adelaide under martial law, Ethan forms a resistance to fight back and uncover the mystery behind the city’s lockdown. The only way to save his girlfriend, is to save the world. "

So to remind this who did read the post, or to let those who missed it know what the first episode was about, here is a brief re-cap. ........ any anyone who suggests that part of this are copied directly from my previous post about Level 17 on Saturday, 21 September 2013 are entirely mistaken and may well hear from my already overworked and underpaid legal team. You could also check out the blog piece itself - but don't read it too closely to check for similarities - SEE FOR YOURSELF.

"Smart, savvy and unpredictable, Ethan is a college student who struggles to understand his destiny when time begins folding in on itself. According to the mysterious arrival of Professor Anderson, the only way Ethan can save his gorgeous girlfriend Danielle is to save the world by any means necessary."

Let me say straight away that the seven-ish minutes of LEVEL 17 - Episode 1 was, barring a couple of minor gripes, very,very good. 

There is little time at the beginning of the episode for a namby pamby detailed exploration of the characters or plot here. Instead we are immediately faced with the sight of Gun toting Bio-suited soldiers rounding up civilians and chasing a rather excellent Alien down a city street (not an entirely unknown sight here in the North of Scotland….).

We then have essentially a few rip-roaring minutes of the main character Ethan (excellently played by Hjálmar Svenna) first being confronted by the sudden morphing of Professor Anderson into his kitchen (like that has never happened to me either), who proceeds to give our hero a cryptic message about saving his girl and the planet before morphing away once again. Ethan then spends the rest of the frantic episode being chased through the streets in an effort to evade the gun-wielding Bio-suits, whilst at the same time trying to locate the whereabouts of his girlfriend. A rather nice cliffhanger leaves us guessing as to who is hiding in the house he finds himself in at the end …..……..

The clip for episode 1 can be seen in the clip below.

So this brings up to date with the rather exciting news that the 2nd episode of Level 17 was released just this week on January 24th.........but is it any good?

The answer is a resounding YES - quite frankly, episode 2 is sensational. It would be grossly unfair for me to include any plot spoilers of the episode, and to be honest I truly hate reviews that include giveaways, even if they put a disclaimer first. After all, I can't be the only one that feels that an experience of not actually knowing what happens next is rather a good thing.

What I will divulge is that the efforts of the deeply suspicious IOB Corp. are still continuing to use the cover story of a deadly virus outbreak to hide their attempts at catching an alien on the loose on the streets of Adelaide . The action begins at the very moment episode 1 ended with our protagonist and hero, Ethan, in the house of his recently disappeared girlfriend. What takes place then is 10 minutes or so of genuinely rollicking entertainment as the chase hots up in and around the city.

As in the first episode the quality of the acting, filming and production of the material is exceptional - and that is not empty hyperbole, I sincerely mean it. Both visually and acoustically episode 2 of Level 17 is impressive. The cinematography and editing is excellent, as it the sound quality and musical accompaniment (an aspect of independent filming which often lets down the overall quality of film production). Not only is it exceptional in its craftsmanship - the music perfectly transforms and compliments the action, adding suspense and excitement to the scenes on screen.

I simply cannot praise the excellence of the whole production and genuinely cannot wait until episode 3!

Check out episode 2 for yourselves RIGHT HERE !

John and the team can be reached on the Level 17 Face book page at https://www.facebook.com/Level17webseries?fref=ts

John and his company have also recently have also launched their crowd funding campaign! Every dollar counts for them to continue creating this web-series! The link for the page is http://pozible.com/level17

Graveyard Calling - A sublime Horror music record label

I firmly believe that somewhere it is written in the horror bible (probably in fresh, dripping blood) that one is simply not allowed to talk about anything that is horror music related without also mentioning, in hushed reverent tones, the words 'John" and 'Carpenter'. The reason is simple, the influence that the greatest director within the horror genre has had is almost immeasurable (he IS the greatest, and I'll challenge anybody who disagrees to a dual with freshly caught haddock). I'm not just talking about the quality of his film work - but his contribution to the horror music soundtrack is equally undeniable. 

Forced to write his own synthesiser music due to budgetary constraints in his first few movies Carpenter quickly realised the importance that music can provide. He has never been content to let a musical score simply accompany a film to fill the odd silence and occasionally add something to the overall effect. Instead his music often acted as a principle character in the story. 

The likes of Assault on Precinct 13 (the music written in a staggering three day period), Halloween ( where perhaps he created arguably his most iconic piece of movie soundtrack) and Escape from New York would be far the poorer if Carpenter hadn't taken real care and passion to intimately wed the music to the cinematography itself. There are times, particularly in films such as Halloween when the musical score seems to be pushing the action along rather than the opposite way round. Moreover, much of his music stands on its own merits as listenable in its own right.

So it warms the heart to know that the legacy of horror and sci-fi music is alive and well in the work that the good people of Graveyard Calling are doing. Not only are the UK based company releasing some sublime horror themed electronic music, they are also making sure that their work ethos has an innovative attention to classy detail that I admire greatly. An example of the quality of their work is the third release from the label in the summer of 2013 “…And out come the bats”. The album was a digital-only release of a stunning compilation of 15 vampire/bat-themed tracks that transgressed a number of genres - the stand-out track for me was the magnificent Werewolves in Siberia and their performance of The House of Nosferatu though in truth there wasn't a particularly week track in the collection, each containing the now trademark excellence of production values afforded by the Graveyard Calling label. 

The only thing missing was the company's innovative release of their productions in cassette format. I must admit, I'm not one for nostalgia, for me the digital download is perfect for my personal tastes and needs (hey, keep it clean!). However in my opinion, offering the choice of download or an assorted choice of out of this world cassette colours is nothing short of inspired genius. I still may at some point go searching in the dark recesses of my attic for my Sony Walkman - I know the damned thing is up there somewhere. Now who say's I'm not a follower of fashion?

So when I received an email from Tommy at Graveyard Calling and advising me in breathless hushed whispers of excitement that their fourth cassette-horror-double feature is out on February 4th, I was a little enthusiastic too. This feeling quickly turned to extreme excitement when Tommy mentioned that he thought I might like to check out the releases........ "Oh if I must " I thought, "listening to new and fresh electronic horror - let's buckle up and let the old ears indulge themselves" 

And indulge myself, I most certainly did. As of yet I have only managed  to listen at length to one of the releases - the album Alchemy, by the American artist, Vespar - and more of that in a moment. I hope to give a concerted listen in the near future to the 2nd release , Destination of Madness, by the Greek artist, Darknesss. Hmm, so much good music, yet so little time.

Vespar - Alchemy

Tracks

1) Slime

2) Goblin

3) Chimera

4) Pumpkin King (VIP)

5) Werewolf

6) Sleep (VIP)

7) Pyramid Head (VIP)

News of the first horror-double feature was described to me as ...."Fresh from the lab- US artist Vespar brings 7 tracks of transmutated-monsterstep! Includes 2 bonus tracks!" .....

"Hmmm, I thought to myself, 'transmuted-monsterstep', truly a statement to suck me in", well almost.....because I wanted to know a little more about this artist before I gave away a chunk of my valuable time to give a listen to it - after all, I have people to do and things to see, or at least something like that. I had questions and as luck would have it, I found answers.

So who is this Vespar chap?

"Vespar is a 20 year old music producer from Pennsylvania. He makes mostly dark and heavy music based around horror related things."

So how long has he been doing his dark and heavy horror related thing?

"Well it seems that he's been making music for about 9 years now, 4 years screwing around with 8 bit and 5 years EDM."

And just what makes him do what he does?

"He simply loves anything Halloween orientated and mainly anything most people would find scary."

Don't we all mate :-) Anyhoo, enough of this nonsense, what about the actual music?  I will be honest with you from the outset - I'm not an expert or aficionado of electronica. I know what I like but I can honestly say that i don't know my Theremin sounding hooks from my dub step wobs, beats and 8-bit chip tunes - so if you are expecting reverent recommendations of the complex synth riffs and booming baseline beats then you are going to be disappointed. There are people far more able and knowledgeable than me to talk about that sort of thing. Well, this is not hyperbole - but Alchemy simply blew me away. It is quite breathtaking.

The opening track, 'Slime' is a doom laden attack on the senses with it's unrelenting synth beat intermixed with periods of atmospheric calm that draw you in until the unrelenting chants of 'slime' with the deliciously persistent synth beat come at you once again - I've listened to this particular track countless times now and It remains as fresh and effective after the umpteenth play as it did the first time.

Pumpkin King (VIP) for me is the standout track of the album. The preview list contains two bonus tracks in addition to the list above, one of which is the original mix of Pumpkin King. The vision of the VIP version is as unadulterated and unrelenting as it is dark and beautiful - I'm currently listening to the track now as I write this and the feeling is quite intoxicating. One could easily set this song in some scene from gore filled horror fest or just as easily as the soundtrack for a more ethereal setting. This ensures the variations on Vespars album ethos keep the music entertaining and original throughout. 

The freshness transpires throughout the album as synth effects interact easily and seamlessly with traditional piano, guitar and traditional drum samples. The original mix Bonus track of Pumpkin King is deliciously dirty and raw and the feeling of this when hearing the track is to be enveloped in the driving force of the Pumpkin dream - the perfect accompaniment for drifting away on a sea of perfect horror synth.

There isn't one weak track within the list - I cannot recommend it highly enough.

This stunning piece of musical output is going to be available on chemical-green cassette! The advice is to preorder now for instant download of "Slime"........believe me, you will not regret it!

Darknesss - Destination of Madness

Greek darkpsy artist Darknesss takes you on a psychedelic journey into hell! Each track increases in pace- I must admit that I've only had the chance to give this a fleeting listen - however I can safely say that the press releases claim that you can "feel your sanity slipping away as you get closer to the end!" is no false proclamation. It is a pulsating and relentless assault on your senses - and I mean ALL of them!

The album is packaged in a transparent cassette! So if you wish to feel your last dregs of sanity be stripped away slice by slice then I suggest that you preorder now for instant download of "Horror Visions".

And if that wasn't enough...........

The good people at Graveyard Calling advise me that also out February 4th there is the following horror themed delicacies:

Gost - Skull

This apparently is "80s-horror-soundtrack influences mixed with electro beats/basslines. Second run on whiter-than-a-bleached-skull cassette! Only 30 made! You can preorder now for instant download of all 7 tracks!".......sounds bloody good to me folks!

Gost - S/T

Gost's new EP is going to be available on white cassette! Currently available to preorder as a bundle (including an awesome t-shirt) from Gost's band camp. You can preorder for instant download of "Ritual" and "Cascade". In addition, a digital-only version will be available from Girlfriend Records........so what are you waiting for??!!

Graveyard Calling can be located at these reputable establishments...

Their website CAN BE FOUND HERE

Their Facebook page  CAN BE FOUND HERE

You can tweet them HERE

Highlights and lowlights of 2013

Call me a stick in the mud, but generally I don't have much time or love for 'best of/worst of' lists. This time of year they seem to be everywhere, on TV, the web & in newspapers. It seems that wherever I turn someone somewhere is pontificating on their super duper top 10 of the year, as if I really care whether they put England's summer victory to retain the Ashes in the cricket or Andy Murray's win at Wimbledon at number 1 in their 'top 10 sporting moments. I may not be the Grinch that stole Christmas, but I may well be the grump who sniggered at the end of year nostalgia. As yet that fine title hasn't been made into a movie, I'm not sure why.

I don't know if it's because I find the process of defining orders of preference somewhat arbitrary and overly subjective or whether it's simply because I'm a notoriously indecisive type of guy who, for example, finds it almost impossible most mornings to choose between two breakfast options let alone sift through a whole year of movie likes and dislikes. (Btw, today after some deliberation I chose Corn Flakes over Rice Crispies). 

However, sometimes one has to do as one is told, I mean, requested. So when Andy, El Capitan of UKHORRORSCENE took time away from his swanning around London's most exclusive hotels in his quest to quaff as much free champagne and fine food as humanly possible to issue an ultimatum request for his minions writers to compile our personal end of year lists, what could I say? After my initial pleas of why, why, why??!! and general sulks went unanswered due to Andy's inaugural 'Around the UK in a taxi' feature, I decided I had two simple options. The first was to remain true to my principles, stand strong and refuse to to join the rest of the world soaking in an end of year bubble bath of nostalgia. After all, I'm a grown up adult type person with a job, house, car and other responsibilities. The second option was to simply do as I was told, after all, it's remotely possible that this could be fun.......we'll see.

So in the spirit things, here are my top 6 ( see, I can't even do a top 5 list properly) thingamajigs of the year of our Lord, 2013 (In no particular order).

1) Byzantium

Do you remember when the release of a new Vampire movie was something of an event to look forward to, to cherish? Of course I am talking about the pre-shiny spangled sparkling Twilight saga that for many of us has put more than one nail in the genre’s coffin..... if you would pardon a very bad pun. 

Since then, Zombies have become the new Vampires on TV and cinema, though the backlash against this particular genre can’t be too far way methinks. All of which makes rather interesting that the much vaunted Vampire movie Byzantium that was released in the final week of June. 

This turned out to be one of my favourite movies of the year and witnessed a triumphant return to Vampire form from Neil Jordan. In it Gemma Arterton (see the word ‘gorgeous’ in the dictionary, her name is next to it) and Saoirsi Ronan play two women who, not only have been trying to keep their blood sucking habits a secret from everyday society, they have also have been evading a rather nasty group of the fellow undead for most of the time since the 19th century. 

Eventually we find them in this film at a rather dilapidated seaside town in an effort to find safety. That is, until their secret is finally discovered….. 

While it may not have been the box office hit that it deserved to be, this was a genuinely gorgeous adaptation of the play by Moira buffing. Whilst Arterton is the personification of deliciousness herself it is Saoirsi Ronan who is quite simply excellent as the eternal teenager.

Simply sumptuous.

2) Behind The Cross (2012)

by Macabre Media

The first of two independent horror movies to make the list, BEHIND THE CROSS is a 38 minute long 2012 independent horror film from Finnish director Tomi Kerminen. I can safely say that it's like nothing I've seen for some time.

Essentially it is the story of Father Michael, who when we join him in the movie, is already well down the road on his personal journey into the depths of insanity. To say that he is having a crisis of faith would be something of an under-statement. It seems that a life that has been somewhat disturbed (courtesy of some horrifying flashback episodes to his childhood) has now manifested itself beyond simple spiritual breakdown and become the literal definition of atrocity and horror. Father Michael's monstrous acts of violence and murderous depravity mirror his continuing ability to still find a psychotic link to his faith in the hope that god will still absolve him from the terrible sins he is committing.

It isn't easy viewing, and nor should it be. Some people, even those well versed in the horror genre, will find the visual aspect of the movie brutality upsetting. Not only that, it isn't straight forward step by step story telling - oh no, it jumps cunningly from point to point in the story. Not only does this give us a sense of the insanity of the main protagonist, it also serves to install in the viewer a genuine sensation of not being in control of what we are allowing ourselves to see.

So we have themes in this movie of sex, torture, insanity and religion. So no one to upset there then? Still not offended? Well OK then, as we also have scenes of a priest masturbating in his car, masturbating also to a shop mannequin, or him urinating over his still sleeping gimp. Jolly good. What is truly interesting about this film is the connection between the murderous mind go a madman and the world of his religious life. The film is rich in the symbolism of his faith and how it interacts with the priest's descent into insanity - this truly is a voyage into the ocean depths of a madman.

3) BFI Gothic: The Dark Heart of Film 

Perhaps the most exciting announcement early in 2013 were the plans for BFI's most substantial project to date for the Gothic: The Dark Heart of Film four month-long event. The ambitious programme was to include the release of 150 titles and around 1,000 screenings across the UK from August 2013 to January 2014  - and every single one of them was to be Gothic related. Not only was the size of the programme seductively enticing, so was the range of the titles that were going to be made available. 

So apart from the expected and more established offerings going to be made such as the world premiere of the digital re-mastering of Night Of The Demon (1957) and iconic Gothic releases such as Hammer Horror’s Dracula (1958)starring a certain Christopher Lee - In addition there would be cinematic and DVD releases of rare and long forgotten Gothic related productions. Many of these releases were not only being re-mastered, but there would be some titles that would not have seen the light of day in some cases since their original showing in the cinema.

As part of the programme it was my genuine pleasure to be sent for review purposes the release of a number of rare and long-thought lost examples of British Gothic televisual splendour. Two long-unseen archive TV titles, both of which are guaranteed to scare and delight in equal measure were the 1970 Play for Today entry Robin Redbreast and the few surviving, terrifying episodes of 1972’s Dead of Night television series. In addition to those two offerings there was also a release of M R James’ Classic Ghost Stories (1986), narrated by Robert Powell, which includeThe Mezzotint, The Ash-Tree, Wailing Well, The Rose Garden and O, Whistle and I’ll Come to You, My Lad. 

It was a veritable Gothic feast - delicious.

4) World war Z

Just what is it about Brad Pitt that sees him loved and loathed in equal measures? Only yesterday I was reading my way through a list of comments and contributions to one of many online Sci-Fi & horror groups I’m part of, many of which were dealing with the much publicised Zombie flick World War Z. For anyone from another world (sic) reading the amount of bile and vitriol directed at Mr Pitt, they could be reasonably excused for assuming that the guy was responsible for walking the streets and thumping old Grannies in the face with his favourite gardening implement of choice. I mean, some of the comments were harsh – “Brad Pitt is going to be so F**king sh*t in this movie”....  “Brad Pitt should stick to being a pretty boy for Miss Jolie rather than mess with the Horror genre. I hope he dies”. A little harsh - and these were some of the more polite remarks. Suffice to say I doubt I shall not be frequenting that particular group again.

World War Z is a 2013 Zombie apocalyptic movie directed by Marc Forster and based on the best-selling novel of the same name by Max Brooks. The film’s main character is played by Brad Pitt who portrays a United Nations worker attempting to put an end to the Zombie pandemic that is sweeping around, and destroying the world. It was released on the 21^st June to huge box office success and immediately galvanised opinion on its critical merits. 

I have to admit that I loved it- yes it may be overly mainstream and as I've already mentioned, Mr Pitt isn't every ones cup of Tea, but I found the movie experience a true joy.

5) Texas chainsaw Massacre 2 Bluray release.

This is included in my end of year favourites for one major reason.  When I went to see this movie on its initial release at the cinema way back in those heady days of 1986..... I didn't like it. No, I did’nt like it one little bit. I felt disappointed and almost cheated because it was so unlike the masterpiece that was its 1974 predecessor in both style and content. In fact that disappointment was so intense that  I have never watched it since. “So this isn’t exactly going to be a favourable review is it?”, I hear you say. Well don’t be so quick to judge, I’m always willing to give a movie a second chance – well, that is except for Gus Van Zant’s shot for shot remake of Psycho in 1998. Nothing, I repeat NOTHING will ever make me watch that pathetic pile of pointless remake nonsense again. So watching the digitally remastered preview disc sent by Arrow films earlier on 2013 was the very first time in 27 years that I have seen The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. I was fascinated to see if my attitude had changed in all that time. 

And do you know something? After finally seeing TCM2 again after all this time...... I loved it, I absolutely loved it.

I loved the morbid comedic stylisation and plot narrative that is quite clearly a product of its time with its explicit themes of 1980's politics, capitalism and greed. I love the incredible over the top performances by Dennis Hopper as Lieutenant ‘Lefty’ Enright and Bill Moseley as Chop Top. Whilst Moseley is suitably excellent as he brings his entertaining repertoire of manic insanity to his role, it is essentially the often maligned Hopper who holds the movie together as he declares war against the insane Sawyers with a little chainsaw-play of his own. I say 'often maligned' because Hopper in his later career was never afraid to go into 'manic acting mode', there are many examples of this. However, we often forget that he was amongst a whole glut of 1960's wunderkind actors who radicalised the whole approach to their acting craft. I never realised it the first time around when watching this film, but Hopper's performance despite, or possibly because of the somewhat cheesy dialogue is simply mesmerising. He simply owns this movie, chewing up and stealing every scene he is in  - sometimes with just a delicious glint in his eye.

The mistake I and many others have made over the years is that we refused to accept that TCM2 should be treated as a movie in its own right and in no way should be compared to its predecessor. The bottom line is that The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and TCM2 are two entirely separate styles of film which was a purposeful intention from the director from the very start. I made the mistake the first time around of simply not enjoying TCM2 for what is really is - a funny, gory, slasher movie that's only real intention was to entertain - and it does that in spades. Is this the Citizen Kane of horror? No it isn't. Is this the Texas Chainsaw massacre of horror? No it isn't. What it is is 100 minutes of pure unadulterated joy.

6) 15-05-08

The second of the independent horror movies to make my list is 15-05-08, a 'found footage' short produced by Nottingham-based low budget horror company, Sick Bunny pictures, founded by brother duo Nikki and Jason Chatwin.

Considering that we are only witnessing just over 16 minutes of movie time, a huge amount of emotional experience is packed into it. At first, when the group of friends in a very normal suburban house on a very normal suburban road witness a light going on in what they thought was the empty house across the road, they treat it as a bit of fun. It's all giggles and bad taste jokes at first. 

However, before we the viewer have time to realise it, the tension is being raised as the mood subtly  changes, not only amongst the group of friends in the film, but also at the same time for the rest of us watching . We all begin experiencing the same rising unsettling feeling that something isn't right, until the suspense and tension has been raised to such a level before we witness the final few moments of, well, terror. The ending is simply excellent.

This is a fine movie experience. If you like your suspense built upon suspense until you're hit full in the face with the finest of brutal film climaxes - then this is nearly 17 minutes of just what you ( and I it seems) like.

So there you have it, my 'best of 2013', which was quite a bit of fun if I say so myself. Of course as soon as I click 'send' on this piece I will have thought of another dozen or so additions and substitutions to the list - bugger, I knew there was a reason I didn't do these list thingies........ I wonder if I can add a piece on The Hobbit movies? I bloody loved them! Maybe another time.

Naturally there have been a number of duds this year, as in every year there has been some good horror and Sci-Fi as well as some bad - and some of it has been very very bad. I must either not be feeling well or the festive spirit is well and truly taking me over, but I won't spend too much time dwelling on the bad. That is except for two examples of film making that annoyed me more than any rational person should have be been annoyed. 

Yes, the makers of Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D and Carrie, I'm talking about you, and you should all hang your collective heads in shame. In the case of the former, taking a seminal character such as Leatherface and turning him into some sort of sympathetic hero completely contradicts any element of characterisation that was in the 1974 original. In addition, having the resident movie scream Queen become his accomplice and help bump off the population may have sounded like a clever little reversal of the usual plot device. However in reality it made no logical sense and only sent out a whole minefield of mixed moral messages.

As for the remake of Carrie - for crying out loud, just read the source material for once guys and actually pay attention to little things such as authentic characterisation. Things like, oh I don't know, having a very pretty actress play a character who is actually supposed to by plain, overweight and pimply. MTV horror is just not my bag.

See you all on the other side in 2014 folks!

This piece also features in UKHorrorScene - check out the website if you like your horror.

When heroes are not that good at what they do......

I was watching The Big Bang Theory just the other night when a comment was made by one of the characters in the programme that Indiana Jones often messed up more than he actually got right. In fact they made the point that if he had of done absolutely nothing in Raiders of the Lost Ark, the result at the end would have been pretty much the same regardless - the Ark of the Covenant would have been found by the Nazis, taken to the Island and then they would have all been subsequently killed by its power when opened. 

This made me think a little (don't mock, I do occasionally think) and by the end of the 30 minute episode the thought had developed into something of a major ear worm. I simply could not let the thought go after I had initially asked myself - Just how many other do-gooding good guys (or gals) are actually rather pants at being the hero? Some may come close to winning, some just blindly maraud through the bad guys causing untold chaos - only achieving their original aim by blind good luck or with the help of an unlikely ally. So, where are these champion chumps ?

As it happens, it seems that there are a few and they are everywhere. So as a bit of light-hearted Christmas and end of year nonsense, here is a brief list of horrendous heroes. Any offence to heroes (super or not) living or dead is entirely deliberate :-).

Luke Skywalker

Yes well all right, I know that he destroyed the Death star in episode 4 - but that was only the result of some last minute help from good buddy Han Solo and a whisper of advice from the ghostly voice of Obi-Wan Kenobi. However think about it - if he hadn't of let the bloody busy-body R2D2 out of his sight and gone chasing after him around Tatooine, thereby finding old Ben skulking away in the mountains (and almost getting himself killed in the process) then Mr Kenobi would have lived his days out quite happily - instead he was given a bit of a kicking by Luke's dad on the Death Star. 

It didn't get much better in the next instalment when young Skywalker decides to go all 1960's Hippy to try and 'find himself' in order to be a proper grown up type Jedi. However it turns out that he isn't actually that good as we witness old Yoda continually rolling his eyes at Luke's simply laughable attempts at doing rather simple Jedi stuff. Not only that, but when the time comes for him to play the hero and rescue Han Solo and his other friends, we'll he can't even manage to pull that off. Poor old Han gets all solidified & Luke goes and misplaces his hand after a bit after a bit of a bust up with his dad.

When Luke does finally rescue Han, he only manages that after being caught by Jabba The Hut.

If all that wasn't enough, when the chosen one finally had the opportunity to bring peace to the Galaxy etc etc he couldn't manage to kill the Emperor. Instead his dad has to help him out and get rid of the ex- Mr Palpatine. This time it's the turn of his dad to pop his clogs after helping out Luke. To add insult to injury, his old man then has to deal with a personality change when he dies, changing from a nice looking grandad guy to a ghastly ghostly Hayden Christensen for the rest of eternity when George Lucas starts his annual messing around with the movies shenanigans.

And we won't even go anywhere near the little issue of Luke not realising that the woman he fancies and snogs is actually his sister ...........

Quint and Hooper (Jaws) 

The so-called shark expert fighting off

 the so-called shark...

Excellent - in this movie we get two hapless heroes for the price of one. 

A big bad great White Shark is terrorising a small holiday island. It's eating lots of people, which is a bad thing and so the Chief of Police (Brody) is worried. He runs around the Island trying to persuade people not to swim in the sea - nobody believes him. Even when when Brody manages to bring in Hooper, an expert on Sharks who has a nice shiny boat and lots of gizmo's to provide some credence to his claims, still no-one listens.

This is mainly because the town Mayor couldn't give a toss about the loss of life as long as the tourist money keeps coming in. Cue the continuing body count rise until finally Brody finally persuades the Mayor to fund the services of local expert Shark hunter (Quint) - who must be good at what he does because he has hundreds of carcasses of Sharkes that have previously crossed his path. So away the two experts trip off in Quints boat & with them, the chief- who has a morbid fear water and everything that lives in it, especially Sharks.

"Trust me, I'm wearing glasses and I have a big stick full of poison"

So this should be a walk in the park then? A world renowned sharks expert and a famous Shark killer.....what could possibly go wrong?

We'll actually everything. It doesn't help that Shark killer hero Quint completely underestimates their prey and that so-called shark expert hero Hooper completely blows his chance to kill the beast with his fancy cage and poison. Hooper's cage gets well and truly mangled, he screams like a girl as the shark tries to have him for supper and then legs it away to hide at the bottom of the sea and essentially leaves his pals to it. Thanks a bunch college boy.

Quint fares even worse - after shooting dozens of barrels and sing a few sea shanties he becomes the main meal of the day for the Great White beastie. It's left to the sea-hating, Shark non-expert to actually save the day.

The Colonial Marines (Aliens)

"Leave this to me, boys and girls"...

It could be argued that never in the history of rescues have the rescuers, who should know what they're doing, been so hapless and hopeless.

It should all have been so straightforward. The only survivor (Ripley) fresh from a rather nasty encounter with an Alien with some rather extreme salivatory condition (not forgetting its habit of popping out of people's stomachs) has been rescued from deep space.  However the rather ungrateful company that that she works for isn't too happy about the trillions of dollars of spacecraft that she destroyed in the process of whipping the Aliens arse. That is, until they go and lose contact with terraforming colonists on the planet where the Alien first did its face-hugging thing. Cue Ripley being asked nicely to back to the planet as a 'consultant'- she doesn't want to go, but it's all OK as she's going to be accompanied by the "biggest group of bad asses this side of the galaxy", the colonial Marines. No problem there then.

We'll once again, there is actually one big problem with this group of military bodyguard heroes' - at best they are a pretty clueless bunch of big gun-toting individuals, at worst they are the epitome of arrogant shoot first with their big guns and ask questions later. Half of them are big mouthed testosterone fueled individuals, the other half seem to spend most of the movie complaining that "We're all going to die'!!!!! It also doesn't help much that they are led by an officer who is as clueless as he is wet behind the ears.

So instead of actually listening to the one individual who's been there and done it, they instead go in all guns blazing, completely underestimated their adversary and proceed to be picked off en-mass. Once again it's left up to Ripley to save the day.

Samuel Loomis (Halloween)

"This time I'm gonna get you, dammit!.......Oh, bugger!"

Poor old Dr. Loomis, he tried his best but he just wasn't very good. For 15 years he had the mad as a box of Frogs, Michael Myers, under his care in a secure mental institution after the little basket-case had butchered his older sister when he was six years old. Unfortunately, in all this time none of Loomis' special treatments had had any effect.

So when Michael reaches 21 (and still barking mad) he is set to be transferred back to his home town for the murder trial. Loomis has the responsibility for transferring Michael but whoops - Michael only goes and escapes doesn't he? Bugger.

In an effort to make amends for this little bit of a cock-up, Loomis tracks Michael back to his home town where the grown up psycho has designs on a little killing spree - cue lots of running round with the good doctor trying his best to persuade the locals that there is a small matter of a deranged killer on the loose - of course, throughout the proceedings Loomis is constantly one step behind the masked maniac. That is unit the finally when the doc gets the chance to put six (yes that's right, SIX) bullets in the knife wielding nut-job..........only for the killer to get away......again.

Again, it gets worse for our latest hapless hero, for Loomis races to the girl's aid and once again shoots Michael numerous times and yet again, this does not stop him. Loomis eventually corners Michael in a room and blows it up......hopefully this time he has finally got his man?

Nope, that still didn't work as Halloween 4 sees Loomis unsuccessfully attempting to alert the police that Michael is now free - again. And once again Mr Myers goes on another doozy of a killing spree until the good doctor collapses to the floor, a gibbering sobbing wreck as he seems to be torn apart by the thought that the evil that filled Michael has now transferred itself to his niece. If only just one of those dozens of bullets that he had fired at moody Michael had hit the spot, eh?

Nope, we're not finished yet - or rather our useless hero hasn't finished being useless as he's still bumbling after his nemesis in Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers and also Halloween H20: Twenty Years Later. Not only that, but the inadequacies of our hapless hero were once again revisited in the remakes of Halloween and Halloween II in 2007 & 2009 respectively.

He's still probably out there on Michael's trail still........

Indiana Jones (Raiders of the lost Ark)

Indie, about to cock-up for the first time of many.....

I'll finish this article on the unfortunate hero that set off the idea for this piece in the first place.

Until it was pointed out in the TV programme, It simply hadn't  occurred to me just how ineffective good ol' Indie actually could be. It was the character of Amy (Sheldon's girlfriend) who points out...............“Indiana Jones plays no role in the outcome of the story. If he weren’t in the film, it would turn out exactly the same… If he weren’t in the movie, the Nazis would still have found the Ark, taken it to the island, opened it up, and all died, just like they did.”

It could be true, I will leave it up to those far more inclined to argue seriously the accuracy of such a statement with a close analysis of the plot - however, even if that statement does have holes within its plausibility, the essence of it will still remain - A lot of the plot DOES happen regardless of his interference.

Not only that, when he does succeed in getting something right, for example the opening scenes when he finds the golden Idol, he successfully manages to avoid death from a plethora of cunning traps only to have the thing taken off him by his rival, Belloq. We also shouldn't forget that annoying little habit that Indie seems to have of letting his girlfriend be kidnapped by the bad guys - at least 4 times by my memory.

So it's clear that as a hero he has one or two faults, as an Archaeologist he doesn't fare much better. Because most of the artifacts that he does find turn out to be a little bit on the impractical side too. The aforementioned Ark doesn't make you invincible, it just liquefies all who open it. The crystal Skull (a present from those lovely Aliens) just sends all those that become obsessed with it as mad as a box of Frogs. The Holy Grail is pretty useless when it's removed from the cave.

All in all, none of the artefacts are worth a damn on an academic archaeological level - I mean, just who back the the university is going to believe a damn word of magical powers, biblical mayhem and alien intervention? To be honest I'm not sure how he still has a job in education considering just how little teaching that he actually does - doesn't anybody even check his clocking in ticket to see that in all that time he's taught about 4 classes?